Her Chains
by S.carlett V.on U.ttenburg
Summary: A book of song fic with a through line of a web of the past haunting the women of SVU.  Mostly Olivia, but Casey, Alex, and possibly Warner, will go through struggles to link the chain of events together.Guest stars Rich White and Jackson Zane.
1. Boston

**AN: I just saw a youtube EO video with this song- AHHHH- god it made me cry cry cry. But after I heard this song I had to write. The song is called "Boston" by Augustana. This is my sad tragic EO fanfic. It's what I think will happen if Dick Wolfe doesn't give us EO for real.**

**Her Chains**

Elliot watched her from across the room as Munch and Fin pointed out the suspects leading to the death of Danielle Mason. She sat on the corner of Munch's desk biting her fingernail and starring at the photos flashing past them on the video board.

She felt his eyes and she turned with a bit of hostility.

Elliot quickly glanced away and walked towards the board. He couldn't read her body language. He'd missed her so much, and she was so cold.

Before she'd decided to break off their partnership he'd done something that was unthinkable. He still couldn't believe that he'd allowed it to happen.

She was always so good at keeping her distance while backing him up. He trusted her because of that.

Olivia was his safe haven. She was the place he went to when everything else was wrong.

Elliot thought that they had everything under control, until his temper got the best of him.

Olivia had treated him differently ever since and rightly so. He'd acted out of selfish irrational frustration. It was a frustration that he could never seem to figure out.

When she left without saying goodbye he thought that was the end. It was like losing her to death. His heart broke into a million pieces the day he came in and saw her desk had been emptied. He'd decided from that day forward if he ever saw her again he'd mend the wounds he caused.

Yet, there she was and instead of hugging her and apologizing endlessly a tight ball of anger bubbled inside of him. She left him. Nobody ever did that to him before. He never thought she would be the first.

Fin handed out the assignments and Olivia silently walked next to Elliot as they started the investigation.

All day they fought or sat stewing in their own thoughts. Elliot could hear her mind working like a time bomb.

Finally, she spoke. "What happened to Dani?"

"_Great, she had to start there,"_ he thought to himself. His lips tightened and stretched his neck. "She couldn't handle the victims."

Olivia raised a brow and turned the other direction. The conversation ended.

After a long day of tiptoeing and name-calling Elliot grabbed Olivia's arm before she could leave for the night. He couldn't go home and pretend he was going to sleep knowing she was holding the same anger he held inside.

"Liv, can we talk?"

She pulled her arm away slowly and thought for a moment. "Maybe."

"Are you coming back?"

She blinked and slightly huffed. "Probably not."

Elliot nodded and looked away unable to find the right words. He started to walk away and Olivia shook from the pit of her stomach.

Her eyes teared up. She couldn't look at him and know that he hadn't missed her or wanted her.

Her insides turned up to her throat just thinking about the fact that she waited all year for him to acknowledge her love, now that he'd left Kathy.

She felt like she'd wasted years of her life waiting for him and he betrayed her in every possible way there was.

From his lack of respect for her work to the fling with Dani, he'd given her more than enough signs to get out while she could. Her attempts were hopeless. She was untouchable. It was time for her to leave her heart in New York and find a new one.

Quickly she wiped her eyes and turned for the bathroom.

Elliot caught her speed from the corner of his eye. "Liv."

He ran to the door and stopped her. The tears fell from her eyes and she turned away from him.

"Elliot, leave me alone," she yelled with rage.

He grabbed her shoulders and forced her to look at him. "Hey. Stop running. Liv, you can have your job back. I want you to take it back. This fight isn't worth you losing your happiness over. Please, don't do this to yourself."

**In the light of the sun, is there anyone? oh it has begun...**

**Oh dear you look so lost, eyes are red and tears are shed,**

**This world you must've crossed...you said...**

Olivia looked at him and fell to pieces. Her wall broke from all the weight of her broken heart.

"**You don't know me, you don't even care,"**

Elliot heard the pain in her words, but he didn't understand them.

"**You don't know me, you don't wear my chains..."**

"Liv, I know you enough to back off."

**Essential and appealed, carry all your thoughts across**

**an open field,**

**when flowers gaze at you...they're not the only ones who cry**

**when they see you**

**you said...**

"Elliot, that's not the point. After eight years and more late night conversations than you've probably ever had with your own wife.

**You don't know me, you don't even care,**

**You don't know me, you don't wear my chains...**

I can't do this with you anymore. It's eating me inside and out."

Olivia pulled away form him and headed for the stairwell. She ran down each step. The sound of her feet echoed off of the walls.

"Olivia, don't go," Elliot yelled as he followed her. "Liv, you can't leave."

She didn't stop running until she reached her apartment. Elliot caught up to her when she reached the door.

Breathlessly he leaned in front of her. "Liv, that job is your life. Don't give that up because of me."

Olivia fumbled with her keys and angrily threw them to the ground. "That job is not my life," she yelled.

She took in quick gasps of air and sat dejectedly on the steps. Elliot silently joined her. He could tell something else was wrong with her, but for the first time in his life he couldn't read her thoughts.

The pause thickened and Olivia slowly looked up and watched a few cars pass her building. Her eyes remained unfocused as she quietly said

", **I think I'll go to Boston...**

**I think I'll start a new life,**

**I think I'll start it over, where no one knows my name,**

**I'll get out of California; I'm tired of the weather,**

**I think I'll get a lover and fly em out to Spain..."**

Elliot touched her hand and swallowed hard. "Olivia, please, don't do that."

"Give me one reason to stay."

"Liv, you're my best friend. I can't live without my best friend."

The word friend reverberated through her ears.

"Elliot, friends don't have the kind of moments that we've shared."

He knew that one night of drunken love making was going to catch up to them sooner or later. He thought they could work it out, but the Gatono case proved their efforts of forced friendship to explode in their faces. The moment of truth was now or never, but Elliot couldn't bring himself to make the leap.

Olivia could feel his thoughts and she couldn't go through this pain any longer. Her emotions swelled as her heart beat weakly from the final measure of rejection.

"**I think I'll go to Boston, "**

He shook his head. "You can't go to Boston."

"**I think that I'm just tired"**

"Give it some time. We'll work this out"

"**I think I need a new town, to leave this all behind...'**

"You just got back."

"**I think I need a sunrise, I'm tired of the sunset,**

**I hear it's nice in the summer; some snow would be nice...**

**Boston...where no one knows my name..."**

She pulled her keys from the ground and headed for her door. "Goodbye Elliot."

"Olivia, why are you doing this? I missed you everyday. Please don't leave me again."

"Elliot, I can't stay here with you."

"WHY," he pleaded.

She'd pulled the door open and stood with one foot inside. "Because I love you."

Elliot searched his heart and mind for the answer out of this. All the years he spent next to her and he never once thought those words would fall from her lips. When he didn't react she walked away.

She closed the door behind her and disappeared into the elevator. The mirror on the other side of the door exposed her to the mess that she'd made of herself. Her brown eyes were hidden by the lonely red grief that poured from the depths of her heart. Her face held a thousand lonely stories on it. Softly she said to herself

"**, You don't know me, you don't wear my chains...**

**Boston...where no one knows my name..."**

**AN: Now that I've thoroughly depressed you R&R.**


	2. Long Distance

AN: I'm really in a Jenny Owen Youngs mood today. I was listening to the CD and it made me want to write several Song fics. SO this is another one. I also, didn't plan on extending this story, but the NBC blog board has upset me and basically inspired me to be sad for EO. AHHH- if it were up to them Eo would be a lost cause for moral salvations. BOoo and Boring! If I wanted to see moral I'd take a look at my own life. Ok I could talk about this all day. Read the song fic. And if you have time download the song. It is so much better if you know the song.

**Long Distance**

Five months. Olivia hadn't seen or spoken to Elliot in five months. She sat in her small house right outside of Boston. The city was welcoming so far, but not familiar. Olivia thought she was depressed before the move, but now that she had finally settled the emptiness grew heavy. Fleeing from her unrequited love was not as easy as she'd planned.

The afternoon was long and dreary. A small black cat that took a liking to Olivia's home on the first week of her arrival twined around her legs and purred.

"Kitty puss, you are quite the chatter box today aren't you?"

She lifted him into her lap and watched the leaves dance in the wind from her bedroom window. The feeling of a cat and the sound of the wind chimes on her porch were the only things that reminded her she was still alive.

"This isn't so bad, is it kitty?"

The cat never answered her, but it was a small attempt to keep her mind from falling into the one thing that she'd forced herself not to dwell on. Still her memories haunted her. His voice rang true in her mind once again and she found herself itching to ease the sound. She placed the black cat on the floor and pulled a small box out from under her bed. Inside the box resided her old answering machine. She clutched it like a bad addiction. Hesitantly she plugged in the recorder and rewound the small tape.

**All the evidence points in one direction **

**since I don't need you physically around**

The tape stopped and played.

"_Liv."_

His voice. His emotion left for her to keep.

" _I don't know what to say. __I wish you would answer the phone. __You can't leave me like this. I wish things were different. God, I know you're there, will you just answer the phone. "_

**I've got your voice on tape **

**I've got your words in me **

**I don't want anything else **

**I don't want anyone else**

Olivia curled up in her bed and closed her eyes as his words filled her broken heart.

"_I guess you're not going to answer, so I'll leave you with this one last thought. You deserve better than me. You'll find out soon enough that you are so much more than my lost soul. Olivia, for what's it worth, I'll miss you. I already miss you….and….I love you. Don't you ever forget that."_

**A thing that I have but I've dropped **

**All that I've had but I dropped**

The tape ended and she opened her eyes to the white ceiling. She missed him so badly. The smell of his cologne. The comfort of his presence. His bad jokes. She was tired of crying, but the tears presented them selves once again. She felt like she'd lost her one true love. She could almost imagine his dead lifeless body disappearing. His elements fragmenting in and out of the world.

The sobs released from the quiver in her lips and she rolled onto her stomach. The need to be with him tingled with every touch of the sheets to her skin.

She closed her red eyes. The side of her face pressed against the bed and she lightly moved her mouth as if she were kissing him.

The twitch in her fingers moved from her lips and made their way to the top of her tank top. She welcomed the beat of her heart. She imagined his lips taking her pulse and following eat rhythmic thump to the soft parts of her chest.

**I want you back and forth **

**I want you up and down **

**I want you inside out**

The gasps escape from a feeling deep inside. She could almost see his face, feel his hands. The tips of his fingers searching for her yearning impulse. And before she could even think about it, Olivia could almost feel his ever-present ghost as her hand lingered further down each curved of her body.

**I've got your voice on tape**

"_We chose each other over the job."_

She slid her cotton pajama pants off. Images of his body gliding from her soft feet to the inside of her leg. Starting at her bent knee and making his way up the length of her thigh. Again and again she envisioned him next to her. He was like a whisper in her ear.

**I've got your words in me**

"_I'm the longest relationship you've ever had with a man."_

She slowly moved her hand to the inside of her underwear.

**I don't want anything else**

"_Things change."_

**I don't want anyone else**

"_Olivia, don't go."_

His name echoed in her ears as she touched herself. "Elliot"

**And you say that I don't have this down **

**but I've been practicing out loud**

"_I'm the longest relationship...the longest relationship...relationship."  
_

**I want you back and forth**

The climax swelled inside of her with each rub and thought. Each touch and moan.

**I want you up and down**

_**"**Who else would put up with you."_

Her breathing grew faster and the wet spot inside of her tingled with anticipation. In her mind he was perfect. Gentle, honest, soft. His chest stood firmly above her and his image penetrated her like it was a sacred ritual. He was the sanctity that she waited for. Hoped for. His eyes never leaving hers.

**I want you inside out**

"_I'm moving back home."_

The words stopped her motions and she heaved her self into fetal position. "No, Elliot. No."

She scrunched over on her stomach again and the tears poured. Her body was in a mixed state of sadness and sexual instincts. The sheets balled up beneath her and she moved her hips for one last attempt.

**I've got your voice on tape**

"_I already miss you."_

His smile filled her fantasy and she fought to release it. To release it for good. To release it once and for all. The climax grew as the sheets mimicked his touch.

**I've got your words in me**

_"and...I love you. Don't you ever forget that."_

Her breath stopped and a flow of energy poured from every inch of her being. Through tears and sweaty strands of hair she gasped the word that would forever taunt her tongue. "Elliot!"

**I don't want anything else**

SCENE

Almost 200 miles away Elliot sat up in bed. He was sweating and her scream entered his thoughts like a vibrating bell.

Kathy grumbled next to him. "Bad dream?"

"Something like that."

**I don't want anyone else.**

**An: Whimper! Gasp! I think I just made myself hot! I gotta go. R&R people!  
**


	3. Apologize

**AN: Song "Apologize" by OneRepublic**

**Apologize **

The evening was turning out better than Olivia had planned. She sat across from a gorgeous man in a very swank seafood restaurant.

Her hair was perfect, the humor was right, and the mood was just about fitting for an invitation to Olivia's new living room.

It was the first date she'd been on in four years. She was never keen to blind dates, but her new partner, Sergeant Sean Dignam, convinced her other wise.

Sean was adamant that she give his one and only best friend a go.

With a wicked scoff she took one for the team and accepted the date. But only to break the new partner trust barrier between her hot mood swings and his potty mouth.

When she reached the restaurant and met Richard Bear, Sean's match making skills were proving to be promising.

Richard was smart, handsome, down to earth, and honest. Most importantly, Olivia couldn't remember the last time she'd laughed so hard.

"Don't let Dean fool you, he's as sensitive as they come. His wife made us watch "Little Miss Sunshine". Cried like a baby. Don't even bring it up, he gets all emotional."

Olivia smiled ", I'll have to try that the next time he calls me a cold bitch with a , and I quote, mule ass mother fuck'n temper. Yeah, he actually said that."

"He was never good with words."

"Oh, his vocabulary is extensive, let me tell yeah."

The conversation took its' seven second pause and Richard took a breath to make the next move.

"Richard, stop. I've been on enough of these to know what the next move is. Let's just cut to the chase. I like you. I have a feeling you are interested. I happen to have an unopened bottle of wine and a lonely house that I've only ever shared with the real estate agent and my wayward cat, Elizabeth. Let's go before we close this joint down."

Richard shook his head lightly in shock and amazement. He loved her aggressive attitude. "I'm all yours, Detective. So how does one name a cat Elizabeth? As in Queen Elizabeth?"

"As in Elizabeth Bennet, one of the first ball busting women of her time."

"Yikes. Remind me stay away from your cat."

SCENE

Olivia's button nose wiggled in amusement as Richard told her about the most embarrassing thing he'd ever done. They walked from her gravel driveway and in mid laugh the image caught her eye.

"Elliot."

There he was, crouched on her stoop in blue jeans and a leather jacket. He stood slowly. Fists shoved into his pockets. "Liv."

"What are you doing here?"

Elliot looked at Richard and then back to her. "I needed a vacation. Thought I'd come to see this house you wrote about…you know, in the card."

"Oh, Cragen gave it to you?"

"Yeah, well, he brought it in. Yeah. Am I interrupting something?"

Richard could feel the tension. He backed up awkwardly.

"Richard. Sorry. Richard, this is Elliot. He's an old co-worker of mine. Elliot, Richard Bear."

Richard held out his hand, but Elliot ignored it.

"Hi," was all he could mutter.

"Should I go," Richard asked out of confusion.

"No. No, Richard, please don't go. I can see Elliot any time." Olivia grabbed his arm and pushed past Elliot for the door. "Elliot, one second."

She pushed her key in the lock and opened the door. "There. Make yourself at home. I'll be in…in like five minutes."

"Are you sure? We don't have to-"

"Richard. Yes."

She closed the door in his face and hesitantly turned towards Elliot.

"Co-worker? That's not what you called me eight months ago."

"Things change."

"They certainly do."

Elliot sat heavily on her front porch step and she stood behind him almost relieved, but too proud to show it.

"How'd you find me?"

"With a German Shepard and a flashlight."

Olivia closed her eyes and smiled. He never looked back at her. He was too ashamed.

"You can't stay here you know."

"Liv, sit down. Please."

She sat next to him. The steps were small. The feeling of his leg just touching hers was like a thousand pins and needles.

"Elliot, I'm not kidding. I was serious when I said it was over."

"Liv, I'm sorry," he said and turned to her with his sad eyes and his solace quiet. "I am sorry."

She watched him and waited for something else, but he seemed content with "I'm sorry."

"And that's it."

"It needed to be said. And I mean it. I'm sorry."

The words weren't as sweet as she imagined them to be. In silence she closed herself off. With arms crossed and shoulders hunched she pulled away from him and stood in the grass.

"What's wrong?"

She knew Elliot wasn't as poetic as most of the men she'd dated, but she never figured him to miss the signs of a true apology and the flame that she'd held for him for so long. Quietly she spoke. Her voice sang with broken melody. **"I'm holding on to your rope, **

**Got me ten feet off the ground. I've heard what you said, but I just can't make a sound"**

"**You tell me that you need me **

**Then you go and cut me down**."

"**But wait **

**You tell me that you're sorry…. **

**Didn't think I'd turn around, and say... **

**It's too late to apologize, it's too late"**

**I said it's too late to apologize, it's too late**. Olivia repeated the thought in her mind and couldn't believe that she'd said it. All of the nights she spent pinning for him. Missing him. Needing him. Her walls were too thick.

Elliot grabbed Olivia's shoulders and pulled her towards his gaze. "I came all this way. I left my entire life. I don't know what to say, but you need to listen. **I'd take another chance, take a fall **

**Take a shot for you **

**And I need you like a heart needs a beat**"

"**But it's nothin new**. Elliot, you had your chance. Why did it take you this long to figure it out? I gave you so many. So many.

**I loved you with a fire red- **

**Now it's turning blue, and you say... **

**"Sorry" like the angel heaven let me think was you **

**But I'm afraid... **

**It's too late to apologize, it's too late **

**it's too late to apologize, it's too late**"

"Olivia, I was scared. I was a fool."

She headed for her front door and he grabbed her arm.

"Get your hands off me."

He let her go and she stood next to the door.

"Olivia, don't do this. I need you. I can't live with out you. I can't."

"Don't you have a baby and a wife to take care of?"

He stood in silence. He was astonished that she would treat him like this. "Liv, I left everything. I thought it was what made me happy, but I was wrong. I was completely wrong."

She pushed away every thought of weakness towards him and opened her front door.

"I'm sorry."

Alone he stood. Alone he crumbled. The porch darkened and he walked away empty.


	4. Erase

**AN: I just got hooked to a new CD by Mika. His stuff is a little new aged ABBA. I know I'm a freak. ABBA right???! I can't help it. It's the inner gayman in me. Anyway the two songs I use are "Erase my love" and "Happy Ending". And have no fear- EO might be near...maybe...if you beg me... but I'm having a really good time making things angsty saddy waddy. I'm turtous I know. You hate me!  
**

**Erase **

"Dippy or scrambled?"

Richard stood next to Olivia's stove in nothing but his boxers and a full head of messy hair. She tip toed up behind him and wrapped her arms around his built torso.

"Dippy," she softly replied before kissing him on the cheek.

He pulled her around and dipped her with a spatula in one hand. "Anything for you, my dear."

She let out a laugh and placed all of her weight into his arms. "You're going to spoil me, cuistot Richard."

Nuzzling her ear he growled ",Ooo la la, the Madam speaks French."

"French? comm si comm sa, but my Hungarian is fluent."

"Mmm, don't temp me."

Richard dropped the spatula and lifted Olivia with each taunting kiss. They couldn't keep their hands from each other. Olivia was just glad to feel connected to another human being. Her pulse raced and Richard teased the backs of her legs. He knew exactly how to string her along. The oil on the frying pan sputtered and bubbled next to their arm.

"Yauw," Olivia stopped rubbing her arm.

"Oops. Sorry. Apparently, I'm not the only one rising to the occasion."

Olivia gave him a silly smirk after glancing at the now open gap in his striped boxer shorts.

"I didn't know breakfast involved pitching a tent."

"A fine woman like you? You've never had breakfast under a tent?"

She held back a laugh and sarcastically toyed with the subject. "Well, maybe that one time after the circus...but, clowns make terrible omlettes."

Richard cracked a few eggs in a bowl and winked back. "Then you've never had breakfast, Ms. Benson."

He leaned in to kiss her and she half returned it. "Hold that thought. I have to get the newspaper before my neighbor steals it."

"You're neighbor steals your paper?"

Richard continued his display of blissful affection in the kitchen as Olivia pranced to the door in his white button down shirt and nothing else.

"Yeah, she's a real bitch. I think I may have stole her cat. But in all fairness, I tried to make the cat leave. I can't help it if-"

When Olivia opened the door there was a piece of paper folded next to her feet.

She knew what it was. Stepping out into the cool fall breeze she looked for the car. That crown vic that seemed to follow her like a guardian angel…or a paranoid dad. She was never sure which was more accurate. The street was empty.

The paper fluttered in her hand as the wind blew. Hesitantly she opened it.

_**Liv, I shouldn't have came so late last night**_

_**unsecure, out of my mind**_

_**I shouldn't have left that message on your phone.**_

_**I shouldn't have said the things I said**_

_**looking for love we left for dead**_

_**in a grave without a stone.**_

_**As soon as you hear my voice**_

_**don't hesitate**_

_**put your finger on the button**_

_**Erase my love.**_

_**Here for you always,**_

_**Elliot.**_

Olivia didn't even get the newspaper. She crumpled the letter and ran straight into the house. Her heart was ready to pound from her heaving chest.

Richard was standing naked in her kitchen holding a plate of eggs. "Bon Appetite!"

She held the ball of paper in her hand and couldn't react.

"No newspaper?"

"Ah…no. I must have been too late. Let's eat."

SCENE

Several months later.

Elliot sat at his desk across from Lake, who read the New York Times as if it were a book on tape. "Olivia Benson."

"Where?" Elliot jumped from his chair. He'd been lost in his thoughts. He hadn't heard her name in months

"Settle down, Turbo. Just in the paper. She's getting hitched."

"What," Casey shrieked. Elliot walked around Lake and read from behind his shoulder. Casey, Munch, and Fin followed his lead.

"Olivia Benson and Richard Baer will be having a small ceremony at St. Vincent's Cathedral in New York City on December 24th."

"Nice of her to tells us," Munch grumbled.

"When's the last time you wrote to her," Fin added.

"Never, but I would have at least invited her to my wedding."

"It's in a month, we could still be invited."

Elliot tossed a wad of paper through the room. "Don't count on it."

Fin rolled his eyes at Munch as they watched Elliot scoff towards the video board. Fin whispered to Munch through the corner of his mouth. "Great, now we get grumpy, mopey, and eternally heart broken Elliot."

Munch smirked. "Yeah, well, I'd like to say I told him so, but I'm not one to wallow in self righteousness. I guess we can add one more the our 'Owner of a lonely hearts club.'

"Huah, yeah."

"So who's the lucky guy," Casey asked.

Lake continued to read the paper. "Richard Baer born and raised in New York City and now works as an attorney for the Boston Legal Department. He and Olivia Benson, former NYPD detective with the Special Victim's Unit of Manhattan, met in Boston, when good friend and partner, Sean Digman set them up on a blind date."

"Wow, he's hot and rich. Maybe I should go to Boston."

"You're not allowed," cried a voice from the other end of the room.

Olivia stood in the doorway. Her face was beaming and her hair whisped to the side.

Everyone greeted her with open arms and a few smart-ass remarks.

"I'll move where ever the hell I want, Benson. You afraid I'll taint your territory," Casey laughed.

"No, girl, I would just miss you too much, and I've already done enough of that. I'm moving back. I got a job in Harlem and Richard got a job in Manhattan. He'll be working on and off with you guys."

Casey hugged Olivia with great intensity. "That's great! I'm so happy to see your face and next to a mans in the newspaper!"

Olivia's eye swelled up. She glanced at Elliot, who sat silently on the corner of a desk.

He winked at her then pulled away towards the locker rooms before she could see his pain.

The mesh of voices swelled in the background. The laughing of old memories and new engagements. It was too much for Elliot to bear.

SCENE

_BUZZZ BUZZZZ_

Elliot woke up from a cold sleep. His clock blinked to 2am.

When he reached the stairs he could see her hunched over on the cement railing just outside the building.

"Liv?"

"Elliot."

Her eyes were red.

"You ok?"

"I…yes and no. I hate this. I hate that this is ended and I strong enough to handle it. Elliot, I need you."

He wavered moving closer to her. His stone face twitched as he tried to read her intent.

"I mean, I'm getting married tomorrow and I can't do that without my best friend. Elliot, I know that we had a thing and it was a hard thing for me to deal with, but it's over and I want us to put that behind us."

"And what if I said no."

She wasn't expecting that. Her eyes dodged around his as she searched for the answer. "Is that what you really want to say?"

"Liv, tell me that you can forget us, and I'll be at your wedding with bells and a blessing."

"**This is the way you left me,**

**I'm not pretending.**

**No hope, no love, no glory,**

**No Happy Ending.**

**This is the way that we love,**

**Like it's forever.**

**Then live the rest of our life,**

**But not together.** So I'll never be your soulmate, but I will not lose your friendship too. I made that mistake once, and I'm here to ask you for forgiveness.**"**

"_**We never had time to go to sleep **_

_**Or wake up tangled in the sheets **_

_**on a bed that we called home.**_

_**Erase me.**_

**I bet you can't erase my touch**

**you're tryin' to replace**

**a feelin' without a name**

**with somebody else's face**

**in your head."**

"**2 o'clock in the morning, something's on my mind**

**Can't get no rest; keep walkin' around**

**If I pretend that nothin' ever went wrong, I can get to my sleep**

**I can think that we just carried on.** Please, tell me we can get over this. Please be with me tomorrow."

She lightly touched his hand and grabbed him in the eyes with her dark warm stare.

"I'll try, but I won't promise. Because,** I bet you can't erase my touch**

**you're tryin' to replace**

**a feelin' without a name**

**with somebody else's face**

**in your head.**"

He dropped her hand and closed the door behind him. Olivia clenched up inside. She couldn't understand why they could never be on the same page. Why they couldn't just find an easy way. She looked up at his bedroom window and watched the light turn to dark.

"**This is the way that we love,**

**Like it's forever.**

**Then live the rest of our life,**

**But not together."**


	5. All at Once

**AN: Oh you guys and your EO. I know- it's killing me too, but don't blame me. You only feel this way because Dick Wolf and Neil Baer are giant NBC corporate assholes. It makes for good conflict though doesn't it. Evil laughter. Song is "All at once" The Fray. I'm running out of songs. I know how does that happen? Drop me your favorite musical artists and I'll see if I can use anything for upcoming chapters. Cause I have the rest of the story, but not necessarily all of the music. **

**All At Once**

"Casey, if you're meant to be with a guy it will happen. You don't have to look for one."

"You're awfully optimistic all of the sudden," Casey smiled. "And beautiful."

"Well thank you," she blushed.

Casey sat in a chair next to Olivia and watched her add the final touches to her perfect wedding day face.

"I guess, I had to let love happen in order for it to work out. I mean, I think it's love."

"What do you mean by that?"

"Nothing. I…I just mean, it's funny. You know, there will always be hang ups. We all have our faults. Nobody will ever be the perfect match. If you want to have a family you have to take the right steps to get there. And you have to find someone that you trust enough to do that with you."

"And then there's the whole love thing."

"That too."

"Because that's a real piece of cake, let me tell yeah."

" I don't know what to tell you Casey, except that Richard was just easy. It was simple to just say yes."

"So Richard is your soulmate?"

"If you believe in that kind of thing. I guess he would be."

Casey was lost in her thoughts. She nodded and half answered. "I wish I didn't believe in soulmates. My life would less complicated. Ah, well, I think I was meant to be single. Fight the good fight. And that's okay with me. I'm content."

Olivia caught the look of sadness in Casey's eyes. "You okay?"

"Hm? Oh, I was just, thinking. My caseload is insane. But, I'm fine. Enough of this small talk. Let's get you married."

An aggressive knock startled their conversation.

"Olivia, you in there!"

Casey shot an irritated eye at Olivia and reached for the door. "Elliot Stabler, what do you want?"

Another voice came from behind Elliot. "Olivia!"

Olivia dropped her lipstick. "Richard, don't you dare come in here."

Elliot pushed the door open. "There's no time for superstition, we gotta get you out of here."

Olivia stood and turned almost as if she were in slow motion. Elliot's square shoulders came into view. His eyes were alarmed and he stood in a sharp suite with a bow tie.

"I knew you would come."

He was in shock at the site of her in that white flowing gawn and her hair pushed back with a few small white roses. "Yeah."

**There are certain people you just keep coming back to**

**He is right in front of you.**

**You begin to wonder could you find a better one.**

**Compared to him now he's in question**

"Olivia, you're okay," Richard pushed past Elliot and pulled her into his arms. "They had me worried sick."

"I'm fine. I'm right here." The whole time her eyes never left Elliot's.

**And all at once the crowd begins to sing**

**Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same**

"What's going on? Richard, you shouldn't be seeing me. This is…not how it works."

"Olivi-"

"Liv," Elliot ignored the groom and took over the situation before Olivia's eye could truly focus on the man she was to marry. "Richard White was released last week."

All of the sudden, it was like Elliot was the only person in the room. Olivia dropped Richard's hand. Her heart stopped. "Why didn't you tell me?"

"Nobody wanted to upset you. You're in danger. We need to get you out of here."

"No. I'm not going to let him dictate my day."

Richard smiled. "I told you she'd insist. Call for back up. Do whatever you need to do, but I'm getting married today." His sure-footed smile made Olivia strangely uncomfortable.

She ignored Elliot's gaze and pulled her rational thoughts to the front of her mind.

**Looking for the right one you line up the world to find**

**Where no questions cross your mind**

"Wait…."

**We'd never know what's wrong without the pain**

**Sometimes the hardest thing and the right thing are the same**

"Maybe we shouldn't rush this."

"We aren't rushing anything. Liv, it's now or never. Let's just do it."

"Richard, we want this be a happy day, not a day full of worry and stress. Elliot, what's the danger?"

"He didn't check in with his parol officer last night and this morning Munch found this on Cragen's desk."

Elliot held an evidence bag with a small white rose and a tiny card attached to it that read ", There's only one Richard for Olivia Benson, and he wants to see her in _white._ Regards. P.S. The Captain lead me straight to her."

Softly Elliot asked ", Do you know what any of that means?"

Her worry turned into fear that then bubbled into anger and she touched the rose in her hair. "Why didn't you tell me this?!"

"I was given orders not to. He was still on parol and they were keeping a close eye on him."

"Obviously that wasn't good enough. I should have been told!"

Richard grabbed Olivia's arm. "Liv, calm down. He's not on the premises. Let's get married and go into hiding for awhile."

She felt sick to her stomach. "No. You don't get it. This isn't about the wedding. I can't even think about this…Not like this. I can't."

Pulling the roses from her hair she walked away from them and searched her mind for an answer. "I have to get out of this dress."

Frantically she pulled at the small buttons behind her shoulder blades. " I have to call…Ale---Cragen should have told me!"

Her hands were shaking so badly that she started to rip the buttons off. "This should have been prevented! DAMN IT!"

"Olivia-"

"Richard, shut up!"

Elliot lightly touched her shoulders. The warmth from his hands swelled like medicine to her brain.

**Maybe you want it. Maybe you need it, **

**Maybe it's all you're running from**

His voice of reason came close to her ear. "Take a breath. It's not the end of the world. We're going to fix this. You know what the end of that letter means. Tell me who I need to call."

"I can't."

"Yes, you can."

"No, you don't understand. This is more than what you think it is!"

Her face came inches from his.

**Maybe you had him. Maybe you lost him. **

"Olivia, I know. Trust me, please."

**To another….to another….**

"You know?" A second fear over-whelmed her body again. Cragen had sworen to secrecy. He would never…would he?

"I know how important this day is to you. Just be patient. For now, we need to find Cragen, so you need to give us what you know."

She searched his eyes as Richard pulled her clammy shaking body into his. "Call Alex."

"Alex?"

"Yes, call Alex."

"How?"

"Just do it!"

Elliot composed himself and headed for the door. " Okay. Quickly, here's the plan. We've got the limo waiting for you and Richard. You're to leave the church as if the wedding happened. Change your clothes once you're inside. Once we reach the highway there's an under pass. We'll have two cars waiting for you. Munch and I will follow the limo to make sure nobody's on your tail. They'll take you in separate vehicles and drop you off at the designated location."

"So witness protection? Elliot, that's not solving the problem. I will not-"

"Liv, I don't want to hear it. It's the only way right now."

He was gone before Olivia could get another word out of her mouth. Casey quickly tried to fix her disheveled hair. And Richard paced the room angry and a little hurt.

**AN: I know- no sex. You still hate me. ummmmm- go read some Mariposa- she's got great sex in her fics!!!! **


	6. Anna

**AN: Song "All that I'm Living for" Evanescence. YEAH! Love them! Ad. Hom., you rock for reminding me that I love them! **

**Anna**

The bells in the church rang high above them. Olivia and Richard stood silent and strange, like the earth had stopped and the objects around them were falling and spinning out of control.

Neither one of them could hold out a hand for strength or guidance. They just stood alone taking short breaths of silence.

Then Sean solemnly opened the church doors and their frightened guests poured out into the streets.

Richard grabbed Olivia's hand and pulled her towards the black limo.

**All that I'm living for,**

**All that I'm dying for,**

**All that I can't ignore. **

**I can feel the night beginning.**

**Separate me from the living.**

**Understanding me,**

**After all I've seen.**

**Piecing every thought together,**

**Find the words to make me better.**

**If I only knew how to pull myself apart.**

Richard ducked into the limo and Olivia followed. She searched the streets for Elliot's blue car. She could sense his eyes.

As the car moved, Richard quickly unbuttoned his shirt. Olivia pulled off each layer under her white skirts then struggled with the buttons on her back.

"Let me help you." Richard gently undid the back of her dress.

His touch was like ice to her spine. She searched outside the tinted windows for the blue that stained her thoughts.

**Should it hurt to love you?**

**Should I feel like I do?**

**Should I lock the last open door,**

**My ghosts are gaining on me.**

He finished and she turned around holding the dress to her naked chest.

"Boy, what a honeymoon this is," Richard said on the square.

"Can you turn around?"

He paused unsure of her behavior. It wasn't as if he'd never seen her naked before. Helplessly he replied ", Sure." With his back facing her he lightly spoke the last word's Olivia didn't want to hear in this moment of life changing chaos. "Olivia, I love you."

She didn't answer him. She forced her eyes to look away and finished changing.

The highway was coming into view, Olivia sat with her face to the window, constantly looking behind her. Richard touched her hand.

"Not now. I'm sorry I need to concentrate."

**Make me understand the lesson,**

**So I'll find myself,**

**So I won't be lost again.**

**All that I'm wanted for,**

**Although I wanted more.**

**My ghosts are gaining on me.**

The limo rounded the corner and there he was. The glare on the window hid his face, but she'd know that old ford any day. The light turned into dark as the driver slowed down into the under pass. Olivia jumped from the car before it could stop.

"Olivia, what are you doin-"

She stumbled to gain her footing and ran full speed for Elliot's car.

**Should it hurt to love you?**

**Should I feel like I do?**

**Should I lock the last open door,**

**All that I'm living for.**

She could hear the men yelling at her from the meeting spot, but she ran and she didn't stop until the door was in her grasp.

"Liv! What the Fu-"

"Stop!" She was out of breath but she held her fingers to his lips. "Did you get a hold of Alex?"

"No, she hasn't been home all morning. And her cell is off. Why are you here? Get the hell out of this car, Olivia Benson."

"Shhh," She placed her hand near his mouth again. "Elliot, I'm not going into protection. This is my fight and I'm your partner. I'm doing this with you."

"You were my partner."

"I AM your partner. You're not fighting this case without me."

Elliot pulled her hand away from his mouth and held her wrists. "Why are you doing this?"

"Because it's the right thing."

"Haven't we already lived this story? Olivia, you made your choice and you're running from it."

"I made a mistake. And I'm not running. I know what Richard White wants."

The name Richard gave her chills. Just hearing it made her want to vomit for more than one reason.

"So tell me and get your ass into witness protection."

She sighed and held the side of her head. " I need you to trust me."

"I do."

"There are only three people that know about it and I'm the only one that may still be alive. Please tell me you will find Alex."

"Okay, Liv, I will, but I think it'd be easier if you told me why."

" I wanted to tell you. I've always wanted to tell you. God, I'm so tired and I'm confused about this whole thing. "

"Is that why you're marrying Richard Baer?"

"I really messed this up didn't I?"

"You didn't mess anything up, Liv. We messed this up together."

"No, I have been so unfair and dishonest. Jesus, Elliot, I was out of control. I thought I needed a family, but Elliot you are my family. In any form. I don't need you physically. I just need you."

She glanced at his hand and stopped. "What happened to your wedding ring?"

He pulled away from her. " I told you what happened to my wedding ring."

"But you were just saying…you really…you left Kathy?"

"Have I ever lied to you?"

Her eyes were inches from his. He could see the light free itself from her face and without reason or logic their instincts failed to contain themselves. He touched her hair and delicately pulled her lips to his.

The sensation Olivia felt at that moment was both unreal and even a little strange, yet the comfortable feeling she held for him was in the right. The touching and breathing of his life, his air, his smell, taste, soul. It was a new kiss. It was almost naïve and it was simple.

They could hear voices getting closer and Elliot jumped away from her.

"Olivia, you have to go with them."

"Elliot, I've done a lot of stubborn things, but I stand my ground when I say that I'm staying."

"No, you're not! You're going to go and you're going to stick it out. This is not a game. Liv, look at me. He thought this out. He has a team of help. You need to stay clear. Promise me."

The door next to Olivia opened and two FBI agents pulled her from the car. "Olivia Benson, you are to cooperate, or we'll take you forcefully."

"I just need a minute."

"We don't have that."

The man grabbed her arm abrasively and pulled her from the car.

"Hey watch it, asshole. This is insane- Elliot, stop them! What if I never see you again?"

"Go!"

"I need to tell you. You need to know-"

"Olivia, just go with them. You can tell the agent in the car."

"No, I can't-" Elbowing the one guy she stopped them for a brief moment and yelled through the traffic and wind ",Elliot, her name is Anna. And Alex will know where she is! You need to find her!"

She wiggled in the strong hold that the two giant men had on her, then stopped. They carried her away and she watched Elliot's face grow smaller and smaller.

**Guess I thought I'd have to change the world to make you see me,**

**To be the one.**

**I could have run forever,**

**But how far would I have come**

**Without mourning your love?**

**All that I'm living for,**

**All that I'm dying for,**

**All that I can't ignore.**

**All that I'm living for.**

**AN: Yeah now you're all gonna try to predict it. HA! Don't even try fools. It's too webbed at the moment. You're little minds will just spin and spin. OH hey did anybody pick up my name references. Specifically in the two men from Boston. Richard Baer and Sgt. Sean Digman. Let me know if you did. Sean is a little tough, cause although I totally love this character I had no idea was his name was without looking it up.  
**


	7. In this State

**AN: Some of the events in this chapter will only be understood if you've seen the episode "Influenced". If you haven't- basically Casey was engaged to a man in college who went crazy and had Schizophrenia. They broke up becasue he wouldn't take his meds. **

**Songs are Green Day's "Whatsername" and Amy Winehouse's "He can only hold her." **

**In this State  
**

Casey walked towards her apartment building in the black brides maid dress and the simple black strappy shoes.

She looked like the Runner-up of a second rate beauty contest with her smudged make-up, semi- frizzy up do, and her sullen expression that tilted back and forth with the sway of her walk.

The sun was just setting and even though she had no reason to feel unsafe, she held her keys between her fisted fingers just like her father taught her to do when she moved to the city alone sum fifteen years ago.

Looking up from the ground she noticed a rather filthy homeless man standing next to the building's buzzer. He stood looking at the names in a dazed state.

"Can I help you," she asked.

He slowly turned. His face was thin and dirty. His red beard was matted and unkempt. Had his eye not been exactly the same, Casey would have taken him to be just another bum looking for a dollar.

"Charlie?"

Without a moments notice he pushed her into the wall and took off running for the alley.

"Charlie, wait! STOP!"

Casey ran after him down the alley. He smashed into the fence at the dead end like a wild animal.

"Away. Ah! Go away! No!"

"Charlie, stop, you're going to hurt yourself."

His frail body reached the top of the fence, but he was too weak to pull any further.

A sharp edge of metal sliced into his hand and he hit the pavement beneath him.

The sound of his scull hitting the ground caused Casey to shriek backwards.

"Charlie!"

The pile of bones that used to resemble the only man she'd ever truly loved squirmed to the corner of the fence in a tight ball.

"Don't hurt me. I didn't touch anything. I didn't touch it."

Casey crawled to him. "Charlie, I won't hurt you. You need help. You're bleeding."

He took in her face for the first time and spoke to her as if she were part of a vision in his mind.

"**Thought I ran into you down on the street**

**Then it turned out to only be a dream."**

"That's where I live now. Charlie, how did you find me?"

"**I made a point to burn all of the photographs**

**She went away and then I took a different path."**

"Who went away?"

He smiled at her. His bloody hand reached for her face. She flinched a little, but allowed him to place his fingertips to the sides of her cheek.

"**I remember the face but I can't recall the name.**

**Whatsername. Whatsername.**

**Now I wonder how whatsername has been."**

"Charlie, it's Casey. Do you remember me? Let me help you."

"**Seems that she disappeared without a trace**

**Did she ever marry old what's his face?"**

He laughed uncontrollably. Casey slowly grabbed for her cell phone.

She was familiar with his mental breakdowns. Any sudden movement or change could cause him to recklessly hurt himself or anyone in his path.

The sound of the phone flipping open stopped him.

"What is that," he grabbed her wrist. "No phones! No calls. You can't call her. Not anymore. She's dead to you now. She's dead. Stop calling. Stop."

Her memories burned. The longer she stood next to him as he writhed and yelled, the more she wanted to feel guilty for allowing him to get this way. For leaving him in this state.

"Casey's upset."

"You do remember me. Charlie, I'm not upset with you."

She took his hand and turned it over to look at the gash. He whispered and rocked at her knees.

"**I made a point to burn all of the photographs.**

**She went away and then I took a different path.**

**The regrets are useless.**

**She's in my head."**

He tried to stand up but his foot was in pain and he fell to the ground screaming. Casey took that moment to call Melinda. His nonsensical jabbering continued as he rolled in pain on the ground.

"**I remember the face. Whatsername. In my mind**

**She's in my head**

**From so long ago.**

**She's in my head."**

SCENE

"You hungry?"

"No."

Richard and Olivia sat in the tiny make shift house right outside of Philadelphia. They hadn't spoken to each other in hours.

Richard sat on the couch watching baseball on mute, while Olivia stood in the window watching and waiting for time to pass.

"Well you can't stay in the window forever. Will you at least come sit next to me? Talk to me? Acknowledge my existence?"

He waited for her to answer him, but she just stood with her back to his face.

"Liv, you don't have to tell me your secrets, but I do think I deserve some kind of explanation or at least some form of communication from you would be nice. Seeing as only twelve hours ago you were going to be my wife."

She turned to him and his hopeful eyes. "Richard…" She wanted to tell him everything that needed to be said, but it was stuck inside of her.

All she could hear were the words from Elliot's mouth ", you've got to stick it out. For me. Promise me."

Richard smiled in her pause and stood up reaching for her. "Olivia, I love you. I'll always love you."

His arms wrapped around her body and clung to her like a leach.

**He can only hold her for so long **

**The lights are on but no one's home **

**She's so vacant Her soul is taken **

"I'm sorry, Richard. I'm upset."

"I know, but I can't sit here and watch you like this."

His eyes turned red and sheepishly he pushed her hair away from her neck and buried his salty eyes into her shoulder. "Please don't leave me. I love you. I need you. Let me take care of you."

**Though he tries to pacify her **

**Whats inside her never dies **

Lightly he kissed her neck. She softly let out a few tears. She wanted to stop him, but felt so guilty for leaving him in this state.

**She gets pained with urgency **

**Urgent kisses **

**The miss misses**

**the man that he longs to be. **

She tightly closed her eyes and took herself to the back of her mind, where Elliot's image kept her strong.

Richard held her face and wiped away her tears. "I don't understand how to keep you."

**He is what she's running from **

**How can he have her heart **

**When it got stole **

"A person can't be kept. Please understand that it's not you."

He slid to his knees and wept. "If it's not me, then what? What? I can be what you need me to be."

She knelt down next to him and kissed his forehead. "Don't cry. Richard you are too wonderful to change. Too caring to hurt. I'm not worth your tears."

"Don't say that."

Her body was cold towards him, but he couldn't give up on the thought that this was all just a dream and she would change her mind in the morning.

**Now how can he have her heart **

**When it got stole **

**So he tries to pass it by **

Then for the sake of redeeming her careless actions and understanding Richard's broken heart, she allowed him to kiss her again. And his touch was persistent and she allowed it to continue.

His lips were like a foreign object using her body for comfort.

It was the least she could do for a man that had loved and lost due to her irrational mistakes.

His shaking hands lifted the shirt from her torso then unzipped her jeans.

**She's so vacant Her soul is taken **

**He is what she's running from **

**How can he have her heart **

**When it got stole **

Olivia lay on her back in the center of the cold hard wood floor. Her eyes never closed as he hung over her like a wounded animal. He forced himself inside of her and wept with each thrust.

Her soul was lifted from her body and she felt as if she were watching herself from above. It gave her a sick feeling, but he needed her one last time and she owed it to him.

**Even if she's content in his warmth **

**She gets pained with urgency **

She stopped herself from feeling ill and forced her thoughts on one hopeful face. A face she'd kept hidden from the world. She needed that face to smile and she hoped that it was smiling for her right now. Quietly she prayed. Until the movements on top of her grew faster and harder, shaking her back to life.

Richard moaned and screamed in pain and sorrow. His climax reached its' peak and he pulled out spilling himself onto her chest.

They sat in silence one last time. Neither one looked at the other. Then Olivia got up and locked herself in the bathroom.

No matter how hot she made the water his final release would not come unstained.

She sat in the water for hours crying and hoping that Elliot would break her restraints.

**Though he tries to pacify her **

**Whats inside her never dies.**

SCENE

"This wound is deep. He's going to need more than stitches and alcohol. Is there somewhere he can stay?"

Melinda Warner sat next to Charlie, who lay sedated on Casey's leather couch.

"He's going to stay with me."

Melinda lifted her brow and ripped off her rubber gloves. "I don't think that's such a wise idea."

"Melinda, he's homeless."

"Yes, and there are plenty of mental hospitals and clinics that would take him in."

"He won't stay there."

"And what makes you think he's going to stay here?"

"He knows me."

"He knew you. Casey, this man is un-medicated. You're damn lucky he didn't kill you."

Casey sat in an armchair and shook her head. "If you get me the proper meds, I can handle him. I've done it before. Melin, come on, he deserves to be helped. He should have been helped a long time ago. I was just too young and selfish to do it."

"OH, I see. This is guilt talking. Casey, you did the right thing by letting him go. He chose not to take the meds in the first place. He chose this life. What makes you think he's going to want to take meds now?"

"He doesn't have to know. I can say they are for his cuts. Once he has a few days worth in his system he'll be manageable."

"And until he's manageable what are you going to do with him? Tie him to the bed?"

Casey stood up and grabbed Melinda's hand. "Please, I beg of you. Please help me to try. Please."

She took one look at Casey's pleading eyes and sighed. "Okay. I'll get you the meds. But you have to promise to hire a nurse tomorrow morning. You're going to need someone with him at all times."

In an annoyed fashion Melinda gathered her things and threw them in the corner of Casey's living room. "You got an extra toothbrush?"

"Why?"

"Cause it looks like I'm spending the night."

"Oh, Melin!" She grabbed Melinda and hugged her with all of her might. "Thank you."

"Don't get too excited. We still need to bath him. He stinks!"

Casey wiped her running nose. "Right. I've got towels. And soap!"

SCENE

Elliot drove to Ohio alone. He was the only one on the highway.

He managed to get Alex's address from Witness Protection.

Now chugging his fifth cup of coffee he rolled down the windows and tried to keep himself at alert.

His weary state of mind raced with all kinds of thoughts but one thought seemed to stick out more than the rest.

She distracted every mile that passed by. She consumed his brain.

One more sip of coffee. It left warmth on his lips, and he smiled as he licked it away.

He could almost feel her lips.

**And in the darkest night**

**If my memory serves me right**

**She's in my head**

The Pennsylvania hills rolled into cornfields and the smell of hay filled his lungs. His urgency grew to have her next to him and he pressed on the gas.

"Find Alex."

**(Go, Go, Go, Go..)**

"Her name is Anna. Alex will know….Anna….I trust you."

**He had her heart.**

"I need you."

**He stole it back.**

" I am your partner."

**And he knew that what was inside them never dies.**

**AN: For those of you who wanted to know - Richard Baer is a mix of Dick Wolf and Neal Baer. And Sgt. Sean Dignam was Marky Mark's role in "The Departed" --which is a fantastic movie. If you haven't seen it and you like twists and cops- you'll love it. Great great stuff. **


	8. Part of Me

**AN: The songs are a medly of "Disposition" and Part of Me" by Tool---Which happens to be Chris Meloni's fav. band. Also- if you haven't seen the episode Stormyou may be confused by the character Jackson Zane. It's not necessary to have seen the episode, but it's better. Also- this chapter would rock if I could get the music to play while you read it- but that's not possible- so just think of heavy metal and loud drums.**

**Part of Me **

"_I'm fixed on you and until I'm dead I'll always be in your head"_

_His towering silhouette blemished her dreams. _

"_No!"_

_The darkness engulfed him and the sound of his laughter lingered and grew to a loud thunderous beat._

"Olivia."

Her eye's shot open and she pulled a kitchen knife from the couch cushion.

"Jesus! Olivia, it's just me…"

Richard Baer stood next to her panicked sweating body. She sat on the couch in her jeans and NYPD t-shirt. Her short hair fell into her face; still damp from the bath she'd taken before passing out.

"Richard..." she gasped and dropped her knife steady hand. "I thought you were someone else."

"Yeah. I noticed," he replied unsure and confused by the strange person Olivia had slowly become since they left Boston a month ago.

**Mention this to me and watch the weather change.**

She shook off her trembling fears, but the eerie feeling stayed with her. The drum lingered on in her mind as she stretched to her feet.

"Liv, if you want to talk about it I'm here for you**. Mention something. Mention anything.** Talk about the weather."

Lightly she walked to the window and peaked at the empty streets. "Thanks, but it's complicated."

The sun was shining and the morning birds sang, but Olivia felt like she'd just had a run in with death and lost.

The beating of the drums tapped boldly in her mind.

**Watch the weather change.**

"Richard, I think we need to live separately."

He nodded and stood frozen. He paused in the silence, then sadly replied ", Olivia…did I do something to make you this way."

"No. I haven't been honest with you, or myself, and I'm sorry that you have to suffer for my lies."

"This is your chance. Be honest with me. Let me forgive you."

"I….I don't love you, Richard."

**Watch the weather change.**

The phone rang loudly. They both ignored it at first and then Olivia broke his gaze and started for the wall that held the phone. Richard wasn't interested in phone conversations. He stopped her. His body was almost pressed against hers and his eyes were red with fury. The harsh sounds of drums and electric strings filled Olivia's pitiful soul.

"This is because of him isn't it," Richard persisted.

"Who?"

"Stone face, Mr. Attitude, Prince Charming. You love him don't you?"

"Don't bring him into this," she wavered angrily.

"I'll do what I god damn want to. How can you love that asshole? He hurt you! He destroyed our lives!"

"The only person who destroyed our lives was me and I should have done it a long time ago."

The phone sounded again.

"Oh please Olivia! You were head over heals for me before we moved back to New York. He waltzes in with his cheap suite and his ridiculous story."

"Richard, you're being obnoxious. Stop."

She pushed him aside to grab the phone.

"And you're a lying bitch!"

"That's real mature! You've won my heart with that one! Go take a walk."

The phone rang again. Richard pulled Olivia's arm away from the receiver.

"Mature is when the other person has the decency to tell the man that she's gong to marry that she DOESN'T LOVE HIM! I don't even know why we're here. You're a stranger to me. You could be lying to me now."

"Cause that makes sense. I just love locking myself in a shit hole house on the outskirts of a ghetto city with an irrational crybaby! That's my idea of living!"

"Well how would I know how you like to live? Apparently you've been lying to me this whole time!"

"You think I'm proud of what I've just done to you? Get over yourself, Richard! There's more to life than getting married!"

"YOU STOLE MY LIFE, OLIVIA! Why don't you just take that knife and stab me while you're at it!" He stomped to the bedroom and started throwing things.

The phone rang one more time and Olivia screamed ", You're lucky I don't have a gun!"

**Watch the weather change.**

"FUCK YOU, OLIVIA!"

Violently Olivia grumbled to herself and grabbed the phone from the wall.

"Hello!"

"Olivia"

**watch the weather…**

" It hasn't even been twenty four hours and you're already at each others throat."

The voice was low and flickered with amusement.

The sound was familiar. She swallowed hard and asked ", Who is this?"

"An old friend."

Olivia pulled the knife from her belt and headed to the front window. She held her back to the wall and subtly peaked out of the sides to the street.

"Richard White, where are you?"

He chuckled at her question and sighed ", Wouldn't you like to know? "

"Yes, I would."

"I see you haven't lost your vigor. But as I recall you have a big mouth, Benson."

"What do you want from me?"

"I already have what I want from you. The question you should be asking, is how are you going to get it back?"

Olivia's heart stopped. Her panic mode took over and her eyes blacked out.

She took a breath and tried to hold back the shaking in her voice. "What have you done?"

Richard White's cracked vocal chords laughed and coughed through the earpiece. Then she heard the soft breathing. "Anna?"

Richard White's voice came laughing back into her ear. "You should have seen Alex's face when I came strolling through her front door. It was so easy. She was my best ADA yet. Soft, controlling, sweet to the touch, and fought to the very end."

"Where ARE you?!"

"I'm in your head, Olivia. I found you. Now you find me! **I know you better than you might think. I know you better than anything."**

"ENOUGH! Don't be a coward, White. Show yourself!"

"Toot toot toot, quite the temper you've acquired over the years, Detective. I remember when you were just a young thing. So positive and perky. You were going to save the world. Now, you can't even save yourself. Look at you, pretending to be Betty Crocker. How'd they force you into that?"

The distressed ADA, Richard Baer, stood in the hallway like a zombie. He watched Olivia duck and maneuver herself from window to window.

"Where are you, White? How did you get this number?"

"**I know you well.**

**you are a part of me.**

**I know you better than you might think.**

**I know you best,**

**better than anyone.**

**You are a part of me**. Why don't you ask your little man? He's full of traceable holes."

"Ok, fine, you want to play games. I give up. You beat the system. Now be the man we all know you are and take me."

"You'd enjoy that wouldn't you?"

She opened the front door of the house and walked into the front yard dropping her knife to the ground.

"Come on White, make me enjoy it. I'm right here! I'm all yours! I have no weapons and no way to contact a single person in my life. Take me! There's no need to kill anyone else. I'm what you want. TAKE IT!"

"Tempting, but I like to watch you find me." His voice faded and the line clicked off.

**Watch the Weather….the weather….**

Olivia helplessly looked up and down the streets and into the neighbor's windows.

"COME OUT, WHITE! SHOW YOURSELF! I'M RIGHT HERE!"

The old lady next door dropped her watering can as Olivia grabbed the knife from the ground and threw it with rage into the abnormally green sod.

**Change.**

The green grass faded into dry brown blades.

Elliot walked through the front yard towards Alex's suburban home. Agent Star Morrison stood on the porch as CSU walked in and out of the house.

"You don't want to go in there," Star said to Elliot, who ignored her warning and walked past her with a pale face and dark sleepless eyes.

There in the middle of the floor lay Alex's lifeless body. Forensics technicians clicked photographs and examined her body. Elliot fell to his knees and lightly touched Alex's golden blonde hair. "Alex."

He limply touched her face and felt a surge of anger and disgust swelling inside of his stomach.

A guy from forensics nudged his shoulder. "Excuse me, sir, you can't be here until we get all of the evidence."

Elliot clung to Alex's body. He let out a sob just as Star pulled his hands away from her. "Elliot, come on. Come on man, we gotta let them do their job. Let's-"

Elliot gave a small dry heave then ran for the yard. He let it all out. Tears, vomit, and hopelessness. Star stood on the porch looking at him with her hands on her hips. "McDonald's. That'll do it to you every time. You gonna make it?"

"Yeah," Elliot took a few breaths and wiped his mouth with a handkerchief from his back pocket. "When did this happen?"

" Sometime between midnight and 2am."

"How? Why? She should have been protected. I gave the warning."

"He'd taken her before then. Somehow he snuck her back in here to get the job done. We had two under covers on the block. They saw nothing. When I got here this morning we knocked on the door and I noticed blood on the window."

Elliot held a hand over his eyes and shook the cheap wooden porch rail. "I couldn't get here any faster. I couldn't."

Star twitched and shifted her weight as she tried to think of a way to calm him down. "It's not you fault. Did you hear anything about Cragen?"

Elliot checked his phone. "No. Munch and Fin are on it. They'd have called."

He checked his watch and headed for the door.

"Where you going," Star jumped. She followed him with an alert eye and a hop in her step. She couldn't have him do anything crazy.

"Olivia, told me to find Anna. That Alex knew who she was. Where she'd be. That Anna was what White was after."

"Yes, Anna is Alex's daughter. She's missing."

Elliot stopped and scrunched his brow. "Alex had a daughter?"

"Here." She handed him a photo.

Alex smiled brightly at him from a carousel ride. She stood next to a little girl, who looked to be about four years old. Elliot's stomach sank to a new level when he looked at the little girl's face; Olive skin, button nose, brown curly hair, and dark brown eyes that he would recognize at the drop of a hat in the darkest light and a blind fold on.

"This isn't Alex's daughter."

Star threw a piece of gum in her mouth and handed him the pack. "No, she was adopted. Gum?"

"I need to get Olivia."

Quickly, Elliot ran for his car. He looked at the photo again and again, and tried to calculate the numbers in his head. She didn't look like him, but all he could see in the features of her smile was Olivia's happy face. He hoped to god that she didn't send her only child away on the count of him.

"_Why would you do this to yourself," _he thought_. "Why? Damnit, Olivia!"_

The smiling little girl faded from Elliot's hand and reappeared on the concrete wall of a Prison cell.

"Zane, you got a visitor."

Jackson Zane, a former journalist imprisoned for printing confidential information on the FBI, sat up from his thin cot and rubbed his face.

"Who?"

"Do I look like your butler?"

The bar's opened and faded away. The bright light of Ohio pierced Elliot's eyes as he made endless phones calls to find Olivia.

**I know you well.**

**you are a part of me.**

**I know you better than I know myself.**

**I know you best,**

**better than anyone.**

** You are a part of me**.


	9. Only the Stronger

**AN: ARG! So I've been distracted by in-laws all day, but I think I've finished the chapter and I can't read it again. I just can't- Don't make me do it. So here it is. I will remind everybody that I know nothing about official law business, so I do my best to make it up. If you know that something is blaringly wrong or unclear let me know and I will change it and clear it up for you. But do remember that there is one thing that is suppose to be unclear, so don't ask me about that. You'll know what I mean after you read.**

**Song is "Stronger" by Kanye West.**

**Only the Stronger**  


"Where are you going," Richard Baer asked as he followed Olivia around the house.

She ripped open his suitcase and started recklessly pulling his things from the inside of it.

"What are you doing with my stuff?"

His cell phone lay at the bottom of the bag.

"What's this, Richard?"

"My cell- Listen I know we weren't suppose to bring them, but I had to. Liv, I can't just up-root my whole life for you."

She took the phone and smashed it against the wall. Richard ducked to avoid the debris. "What the fuck are you doing?"

"Where's your computer?"

"No!" Richard grabbed his computer bag and sat on it. "This is crazy!"

Olivia pulled out her knife and held it to Richards face. "You want to know what's crazy? When a killer calls my house _after_ I've been put into Witness Protection! Hand over the fucking computer, Richard."

Without a sound he got up and walked to the other end of the room. Olivia took the computer and smashed it on the floor. She then grabbed her purse and walked towards Richard one final time. "I need your wallet."

"No."

"NOW," she yelled taking the knife to his throat.

He reached into his back pocket and gave it to her without question. She took out the cash and the credit cards and dropped the square of leather to the ground before turning and gathering her final belongings.

"Wha- Where you going? I'm not staying here by myself."

She coldly walked to the bathroom and shoved the ecclesial toiletries into her carry on bag. "You won't be alone. Cops'll be here to check the phones in ten minutes. You'll be replaced."

"And so you're just going to leave? I can't go into Witness Protection without you!"

"You're a big boy, Richard. I'm sure you'll be fine."

"Why can't I go with you?"

In a sarcastic Patty Duke ton, Olivia cocked her hip and looked at Richard with a smile. "Well, Dick, someone has to let CSU in when they come to trace the phone call we got this morning. And seeing as your little electronic addiction was the cause, and you don't seem to give a damn about my safety, you can be that someone."

It was a ridiculous answer for a redundant question, but Richard didn't have the balls to disagree. He dumb-foundedly sat on the couch and watched her open the front door.

"Good-bye, Richard."

**N- n- now th- that don't kill me**

**Can only make me stronger**

**I know it got to be right now**

**Cause I can't get much wronger**

**(harder, better, faster, stronger)**

Olivia walked out of the house and straight over to the little old lady, who was still preening her prize azaleas.

"Excuse me, ma'm."

"Oh!," the woman gasped, remembering Olivia's temper from earlier.

"I'm not here to hurt you. I work for the NYPD. I need to borrow your car."

The old woman didn't say a word. She looked cautiously at the knife still hanging from Olivia's belt and dug into her back pocket.

Within seconds Olivia was flooring the gas on Mrs. Wilson's old 1989 Cadillac V-8. The windows rolled down and she laid on the horn vehemently.

**Make me Stronger.**

**Cause I can't get much wronger.**

SCENE

Don Cragen pulled himself out of the wet ditch and crawled to the road. The bullet had just grazed his scalp leaving him unconscious but not dead. His vision was blurred and he could barely move his beaten body. Each inch was like a thousand knives to his spin.

"Help," he gulped. His voice was barely audible. Lightly he waved his arm. A few cars past him and then one stopped.

**th- that don't kill me**

**Can only make me stronger**

SCENE

Casey lay next to Charlie while he peacefully slept. After his bath and a few sleeping pills he almost looked human. She watched him heavily breath and all of the memories came flooding back to her.

**I don't know if you're all there or not,**

**God put me in the plans or not**

**But I know that God put you in front of me**

** And there's only one of me**

**I'm trippin', I'm caught up in the moment right?**

**And I'll do anything when the time's right**

**I need you right now**

**You know how long I've been on ya?**

**Since Prince was on Apollonia**

**Since OJ had Isotoners**

**I need you right now.**

Melinda lightly tapped on the bedroom door.

"Casey?"

"Yeah," she whispered before sitting up.

"You okay?"

"Just thinking."

Melinda sat next to her on the bed and rubbed her hand. "You do know that this isn't curable right?"

"Oh Melin, I'm not new to this. I've already been down this road, I just feel as though he deserves more than a cold street to live on. He has no one. I was his only family and I left him. I just walked out. I want to make things right."

"You love him?"

"I did. I guess I still love the memory, yes," she smiled and glanced at him snore. "We were going to get married. I had the dress and we had an apartment picked out. Perfect jobs."

She lightly starred at the floor in a strong reminiscent. "He proposed in the most half-assed, drunken man, way. Hah! We were at the bar with a big group of friends and we were both plastered out of out minds. I knew he was going to do it. I knew that he'd just bought that ring and it was burning a whole in his pocket. Like he couldn't keep it from me. All night I could see him trying to find the right moment and then before we knew it the bar had kicked everybody out and we stumbled back to his apartment. I was just getting ready to pass out on his bed when he says ', Let's dance.' I completely rebuffed him. It was going on 3am and I did not want to be proposed to at 3am in a drunken stupor. But one thing lead to another and there we were swaying to Brian Stetzer and trying not to vomit. Then he knelt down and popped the question. He cried like a little boy. I almost laughed at him. He was so in love with me and I would have done anything for him. I would do anything to see him that happy again. I would do anything to _be_ that happy again."

Casey wiped back a few tears and Melinda pulled her in for a hug. "It's a strange world we live in. One day your walking along smelling the roses and the next day it's gone. I love you, girl. You just hang in there."

"Thank you for being here with me."

"Anytime, Case."

**I need you right now**

SCENE

Elliot dialed one more federal number. **I need you right now**

His face was red with stress and lack of sleep and his hands shook from drinking way too much coffee. The secretary put him on hold one more time.

"No, don't put me on hold. I just need the number for…Damnit."

He flipped his phone shut and threw it at the dashboard just as Star hopped into the passenger seat.

"Elliot, you're chasing a ghost. They aren't gonna give you Olivia's number. That's the point of the program."

"I can't do this without her. This is huge! This is far deeper than I had ever- FUCK!"

**I need you right now. Ugh, Baby, you're makin' it (harder, better, faster, stronger)**

Star sat back and looked at the many empty coffee mugs on the floor under her feet. "Ok sugar, you need to calm down, take a break, take a breath, possibly take some Advil, and definitely lose the coffee. We can do this without Olivia. You and me, mkay?"

His bottom lip was almost trembling. He needed Olivia, but he needed her to be safe, so he took a moment and then nodded his head. "Okay. Okay, you're right. What do you got so far?"

"Well, except for some possible blood under Ale- under the nails and a shoe print in the back yard, we got nadda. But he was wearing Nike's and he's got the same size foot as Richard White."

"Is that supposed to make me feel better?"

Star starred at him in pause and with great attitude. "If you wanted a security blanket you should of called you mother, Stabler. See cause I was just answering your professional question with a professional answer. Jesus Christ, I don't know how Benson puts up with your ass."

"She doesn't."

"Well, it's time to graduate, detective. Shed the tears on somebody else's clock, we got a case to crack, you got it?"

"Yeah."

"**Cause that, that don't kill you can only make you stronger. **Why don't you call your unit and have them update us. I'll go push CSU. We gotta find out how he got here and if anybody saw him."

Star slammed the door behind her and headed back into Alex's house. Elliot's ears buzzed. He couldn't think straight the pressure was about to blow, and then his cell rang.

He looked at the ID. It was a pay phone number. "Olivia?"

"Elliot."

"Are you ok?"

"No, I'm terrible."

"Where are you?"

"Standing outside of my old apartment."

"Olivia! What are you thinking?!"

"Elliot, don't. I tried I did. I had to leave. He found us."

"How?"

Olivia was half angry and half emotional. Her distraught eyes remained hidden under the thick winter coat that she wore to cover her face. "I don't know. I don't know! I just know that I have to help you find him, or more people are going to die."

"Okay. Liv, go to the precinct. I'm with Star in Ohio. I'll be back in a day. Hopefully. We may have a lead."

"No, he was in Philly. He had to have been. He knew too many details. He's not there!"

"Liv, he was here, and there's no way that he could have made it to Philly this morning. Calm down and stay at the Precinct."

Olivia almost cried, but she pulled herself together. "Elliot, please tell me you're with Alex."

He couldn't answer her. He looked at that photo and sat in silence.

"Hello?," Olivia yelled through the bad connection.

"Yeah, I'm with Alex." He couldn't tell her over the phone.

"And Anna?"

"She's… she's here."

He just couldn't bring himself to say the words. Not over the phone like that. He ignored the next set of questions by asking her his next darkest fear. "Liv, that night you slept at my place…did we…"

A Fire engine blared past Olivia and he became inaudible. "What? Elliot, I can't hear you."

He yelled back to her ", Why didn't you tell me about Anna?"

Now it was her turn to pause.

"Liv?"

"I couldn't. There were too many things happening. I wanted it to be you. But I didn't know and you were going through a separation."

"Wanted what to be me? Is it me? Is she mine? What didn't you know?!"

Another glaring set of sirens sped past the pay phone and Olivia clenched her eyes shut as she strained to hear. "Elliot, there's too much noise here. This is dangerous. I'm gonna have to hang up. I can't talk about it with you like this anyway. I don't want you to lose your job."

Elliot ran a hand over his head and rubbed his eyes. "Liv, you stay safe. Get to the Precinct."

She yelled over the harsh wind and the traffic in the background. "I will. Elliot, give Anna a hug for me?"

Elliot hated that he lied to her. He closed his eyes and held back the tears. "I will," he gulped. "I love you."

"What?"

Elliot sobbed loudly into the phone. " I love you!"

The dial tone was the last thing he heard.

**You know how long I've been on ya?**

**Since Prince was on Apollonia**

**Since OJ had Isotoners**

** I need you to hurry up now**

**Cause I can't wait much longer**

**I know I got to be right now**

**Cause you make me stronger.**

**Man I've been waitin' a long time now**

**And I need you right now**

SCENE

Jackson sat across from two large Federal Agents in a small room outside of the lockdown. His lawyer, Trevor Langdon sifted through some paperwork next to him.

The head agent crossed his arms and bore a hole through Zane as he spoke. "Jackson Zane, we've been given new evidence to your charges and feel that a re-evaluation is necessary."

"What kind of evidence?"

"Evidence of an e-mail to Olivia Benson from a Melinda Warner. An e-mail with information very similar to your...facts."

Jackson remained as calm as possible. He knew how the game was played. "Well, I don't know who those two people are, so that evidence is wrong."

"Oh Jackson, you are quite the story teller, but this time I want a biography version of what happened."

"Sir, I'm a journalist not a fictional author nor am I a fan of memoirs, so as much as I'd love to indulge you with fictional truth, because we all know how you feds favor the fiction, I can not tell a lie."

"What is your relationship with Olivia Benson, Mr. Zane?"

He impatiently slammed the table and looked back and forth between the two suited goons in front of him. "Am I speaking English? How many ways do I have to say it? There's no relationship. I barely knew her. I told you all of this before."

"Settle down Jackson," Trevor murmured

The man smiled and placed a photo of Anna on the desk. "So you have no knowledge of this little girl?"

"Ah, no."

"So this isn't your daughter?"

"What?! No! You got this all wrong. I don't know where you dug this up, but your fact-u-turg is mistaken. I confessed to the crime, I'm doing the time, and I think I've been pretty fucking cooperative. What more do you want?"

The larger man stood up and brought his face to Jackson's. "I want the truth, Mr. Zane. I don't know why you're covering for two sex crimes defendants, but I will find out. And if you're not going to give it to me, then there will be a trail. So I'm giving you one more chance, Zane. What did Olivia Benson and Melinda Warner have to do with the information printed in that article?"

"You don't have to answer that," Trevor nudged.

"Yeah thanks,T- How much am I paying you," Jackson snapped. With a snarl in his lip he looked at the Fed's with forceful intent. "I have no knowledge of the two names you've provided for me, so do what you gotta do, but my story stays as such."

The man's face grew red and he stood up grabbing his files from the desk. "You want to play with fire, that's fine. Get your story in line, because the crime for lying on the stand is far worse than printing that article. You'd better hope I don't find one shred of DNA linking you to that little girl and I sure as hell better not find Olivia Benson's name on any file, letter, photo, computer, phone, or hair in your life."

**So go ahead go nuts go ape shit**

**Especially on my best stand on my bape shit**

**Act like you can't tell who made this**

**New gospel homey, take six, and take this, haters**

**N- n- now th- that don't kill me**

** Can only make me stronger.**

** Haters!**

SCENE

Melinda took her final sip of coffee and strolled into work twenty minutes late. The nurse at the counter stopped her and pointed to a couple of guys in suits.

"Dr. Warner, you have a few visitors this morning. They've been waiting-"

"Melinda Warner."

The men spotted her and headed towards the desk.

"Yes," she smiled.

The largest man pulled out a pair of handcuffs and took the coffee cup from her hand.

"You're under arrest for leaking incriminating and confidential information to the press. You have the right to remain silent. Anything you say or do can and will be held against you in the court of law "

"Cathy, call my husband," she said in a panic.

The nurse dropped her clipboard and nervously nodded. "Yes, Dr. Warner."

**Harder, better, faster, stronger.**

**AN: Ok review because I love you! Ok I don't know you- but I love the feedback. I didn't get enough love in my child hood and my in-laws are in town. Somebody shoot me! PLEASE!!!**


	10. The Cat Came Back

**AN: This song is silly, but I felt it fitting. "The Cat Came Back" It's a fun children's song. **

**That Cat Came Back  
**

**  
**

**Little Johnny had a cat that they wouldn't let him keep**

**So he put her up for sale at a price he thought was cheap**

**He took her to a neighbor to ask him for advice**

**He said, "Leave the kitty here. She can help me with the mice."**

Olivia got out of the elevator on the fourth floor of the 1-6 Precinct. She kept her winter hat on and her black wool coat pulled up around her neck. When she rounded the corner to enter the offices she saw several Fed's and the commissioner standing near Cragen's office openly talking and arguing with John Munch.

Munch pointed his boney finger into the Commissioner's face. "You can't do that to him. I don't care about your god damn anthrax leak!"

Olivia heard those words and stepped back into the hallway. Nonchalantly she sat on the bench near the door and held a newspaper to her face.

Munch continued to rant. "Don Cragen has just been through hell and back. He's been on the job for thirty-five years. He damn near died and half his brain was blown off. He deserves to recover in the hospital as a free man."

"Detective, I want to be as sensitive about this arrest as I can be, but as of the moment Don Cragen is in contempt for hiding criminal evidence and then allowing that criminal to continue working in this unit."

Fin stepped in, his hard features creased from the center of his face. "Olivia Benson is not a criminal!"

One of the Fed's pushed into Fin. "Watch your mouth or you'll be going to trail too."

Olivia bit her lip and closed her eyes. She was glad to hear that Cragen was alive, but she couldn't understand why the Fed's were asking questions about the anthrax article.

She'd been through so many changes and life threats in the past forty-eight hours that her rash behavior during the anthrax scare seemed like ancient history.

Saving the world and dodging the government were minor problems. She needed to find a life boat before her past swallowed her and her daughter into a dark cold ocean of death.

Her heart pounded to make things right.

"I won't be a part of this," Munch yelled as he stormed from the office.

The door to the stairwell slammed against the wall and Munch disappeared behind it.

Fin followed closely behind. "Munch! Munch, stop!"

Olivia peaked at the group of Fed's then slowly turned her head and slipped into the stairwell when they turned away. She could hear the footsteps and their voices echoing underneath her.

"Fin, I'm not working under a bunch of fascist hypocrites. I'm out!"

"What about Olivia?!," Fin yelled.

And then their footsteps rustled to silence. "Olivia's a big girl. She doesn't need us."

Olivia hung her head over the rail. "Like hell I don't."

Their heads poked from the side and looked up at her. "Olivia?"

"I'm a big girl, but I hate to work alone."

**The cat came back the very next day. They cat came back they thought she was a goner.**

Olivia raced towards them. Munch pulled his glasses off and rubbed his eyes. "Jesus,

Olivia, you're gonna get yourself killed or locked behind bars."

"Shouldn't you be on the DL," Fin asked as she breathlessly reached them and pulled the knit hat from her head.

"White found me. And Richard and I were…on different pages.

"Oy vay, that didn't last long did it," Munch mumbled.

"Guys, I need your help."

**Oh that cat came back the very next day……**

Munch sighed and placed his hand on her shoulder. "Of course. Let's get you out of here. You can stay at my place. Fin, go make sure Agent Smith and his clonies aren't in site. I'll go get the car. Liv, meet me at the coffee shop." He glanced at her pale face. "And put that hat back on."

**And she said Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow…**

SCENE

"We got his car" Star said to Elliot, who stood in the middle of Anna's bedroom looking at the pink walls and the Princess bed sheets.

"Good," he softly replied.

"They found it on I-70, very close to Cragen's drop off point. The hounds are searching the area." She paused and lifted a file of papers.

**Well Morris bought a gun from the Human Cannonball**

**She put the cat inside with Tri-Nitro Toluol**

**When she pulled the trigger, the cannon made a roar**

**The neighbors all surrendered 'cause they thought it was a war**

Star chose her next set of words cautiously as not to cause a fight. "Also, I got this report from the higher up. All movements that White made while he was in jail. It seems like he's been planning this for years."

Elliot knelt down and picked up a doll that lay abandoned in the center of the floor.

"Elliot?"

"Sorry. Go on, I'm listening."

"Right, so they tracked White's internet activity after an anonymous source dropped the codes off at SVU's office. "

"Anonymous source-"

"Ah, ah, wait for it. White's files were like a timeline of Olivia's life. The man's obsessed. He had more information about her than she probably knew she had. And I was thinking as I looked at this information, why would he be in Ohio? He knew where Olivia was. Why not go straight to the source? That's what he's done in the past. White goes after women who have taken power away from him. Two out of the three women he murdered were ADA's. First he beats them, then he rapes them from behind. After that he holds a gun to their head and makes them plead for their lives. He never let's them go. He likes to see them weak and vulnerable before he blows them to oblivion."

"Thank you for that stroll down memory lane. You got a point or do you just enjoy gruesome conversation?"

"So here's the thing. Olivia puts White in jail. He escapes to get back at her. Yet he goes after Cragen, kills Alex Cabot, and kid knaps a little girl. Why does that MO sound off to me?"

Elliot shrugged. "Alex was an ADA. She was Olivia's best friend."

He wasn't about to let the cat out of the bag.

But Star wasn't an idiot and she had a whole file of goodies to test Elliot with. She grabbed the file from his hand and pulled out a few pages with e-mails from Olivia's account.

Elliot placed the doll on a tiny tea table and sifted through the dense writing.

Star yammered on as Elliot processed the information.

"He had access to all of her e-mail accounts and he had several hundred letters saved to a library computer."

Elliot took one look at the e-mail and put on his game face. He was familiar with this e-mail. It was evidence that the government knew how much anthrax was lost or stolen during Hurricane Katrina.

Melinda's friend from DC sent it to them after the Fed's pulled a disappearing act with three of their child victims.

This e-mail and a small tape were the only pieces of evidence that linked Olivia and Melinda to Jackson Zane's illegal article.

They were supposed to have been destroyed, but there it was starring back at him like a bad dream. "So what's this got to do with Olivia and Richard White?"

"Don't play coy with me Elliot Stabler. There's a pack of hungry Fed's on their way. Olivia and Melinda are wanted. These e-mails showed up on my boss' desk this morning along with a photo of Anna. The whole department of terrorist prevention is on alert."

Elliot looked at the photo. Anna's small body was strapped to a chair in what looked like a concrete basement.

Her face was no longer smiling. She appeared to be in shock. It was eerie to see a four year old's face look so sullen.

His knowledge of terrible imagery surfaced to the front of his mind. He knew what Richard White was capable of and the thought of it put him on the edge.

Across the bottom of the photo in Sharpey Marker was written in capitol letters. "ANNA MARIE BENSON ZANE"

Elliot took a double take at the photo before answering. "The background. It's familiar."

Star knelt beside him and whispered ", Elliot, tell me Olivia didn't hand the anthrax information to Jackson Zane."

Elliot refused to look at Star. He blinked and handed the pages back to her.

His finger twisted the brown hair that curled wildly from the doll's head. "Of Course not. Olivia always plays by the rules."

Star didn't believe him. She pressed the subject. "Elliot, who's Anna's daddy?"

With eyes of fury he turned to face her, while unconsciously smashing the doll with the palm of his hand. "What are you getting at?"

Star lightly touched the top of his hand and looked him dead in the eye.

"Come on Elliot, don't play dumb. You and Benson are tight. You mean to tell me after all these years you and her never once…"

"Morrison, you're dipping into dirty laundry that isn't yours. That's personal and I don't have to answer it. And even if I knew, I wouldn't answer it."

"So you don't know who the father is?"

Elliot turned away from her and dropped the doll on the floor. "NO, I don't! What's it matter anyway? The e-mail alone makes your case."

"What's it matter? Well, for starters this e-mail can't be traced. We only have a paper copy of it. For all we know White made this e-mail up. Secondly, if that little girl belongs to Jackson Zane, her parents are going to be locked up for a long time on the shear fact that they lied about their relationship. And let's face it, if they had a relationship, Olivia is a goner and you know it. No jury is going to believe she's not guilty after conceiving Jackson Zanes' child. Elliot, if you know something. Like the genetics of this girl, you need to cough it up or we have to find her and White before the Fed's do."

Star's face held Elliot's confused gaze with a warm light in her eyes. "Morrison, you are the Fed's. What makes you think I trust you?"

Star grabbed his arm and whispered into his ear. "Elliot, I'm not asking you these questions to turn Olivia in. I'm asking you because my boss is this shy of finding Olivia and burning her on a stack in a public arena. I know Olivia well enough to know that she was only fighting for the right reasons. I know her, Elliot, but you know her better. You know her more than she knows herself. If we're going to get White we need to get into his head. You can do that. Prove to White that he's got nothing on Olivia Benson."

He nodded and paced the room. "I don't know about that. Olivia is a woman of secrets. I know nothing about her anymore. And I certainly know nothing about Anna."

"Elliot, in your heart you know. Why would Olivia give up her only daughter if Jackson wasn't the father? We both know men were knocking her door down. It's more than plausible that he's the father. Hell, if she were that secretive she could have let it slip with any number of men."

The thought of Olivia having sex with another man threw him into a fit of anger. "Shut up! You don't know anything! There are plenty of reasons for her to hide a child. You make her out to be some kind of whore! Olivia was too smart to put out for just any man, and Jackson Zane was not one of them! How do you know that White isn't using Zane to get Olivia thrown into jail? There's an MO for you. That's a pretty empowering thing. Besides the rape, it's pretty damn near forcing Olivia into a world of the living dead!"

Star smiled and picked up the doll.

**The cat came back the very next day. The cat came back they thought he was a goner.**

With a flick of the wrist she tossed the doll at Elliot. "Now that's the detective I've been looking for. Come on we gotta make a plan and it's a long drive to Brooklyn."

"Brooklyn?"

"Yeah, the basement in the photo. It's the boiler room at the Police Academy."

Elliot half-smiled ", How did you remember that?"

"How could I forget it? The boiler room was like make-out corner."

"Huh, I must have missed that. You know, in between firing guns and changing my daughter's diapers."

Star slapped him on the back and they headed for the squad car. "Oh you poor soul. Let's just say, if Olivia's a saint, I'm her opposer. Half my time at the academy was spent locking lips with every hunk of a cop in that room."

"That's hot, Morrison."

"What can I say? I love a man in a uniform."

**The cat came back the very next day. And he said Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow.**

SCENE

**Then Johnnie gave the cat to a man who had a bomb**

"You can take my bed. I've got the couch," Munch said to Olivia.

They'd been trying to plan the next steps to finding White, but the night was growing long and no new evidence was being presented. It didn't help that Munch had walked out on the Unit. Fin had gone back to be their rat, but besides a few minor details from the car found on I-70 the chase was at a stand still.

Olivia yawned ",Thanks Munch. I'm gonna get a few winks in…if I can."

She walked casually to the bathroom.

**When he took the cat away, she was acting cool and calm**

Her reflection looked old and weary. She stood in a haze while the faucet gushed water from its' pipes.

Blankly she unzipped her carry on bag and dug to the bottom of it where hidden under a washcloth was her old answering machine.

She held her ear to the speaker and pressed play. Elliot's voice was barely audible. She needed him. Missed him. His message was coming to an end and the machine beeped. Just as she was about to rewind it one more time Munch's door buzzer sounded from the hallway.

**And then the bomb exploded, it made an awful sound**

She jumped and dropped the recorder. It smashed hard onto the floor. "Huh! damn-it!"

The buzzer sounded again and she could hear Munch grumbling. "I'm coming. I'm coming."

Olivia frantically pressed the machine's buttons. The insides crunched and silence was all that came from its' speaker. "Elliot," she whispered.

"Olivia, I think you need to get out here."

Munch's voice sounded wary. Olivia placed the broken recorder into her bag and opened the bathroom door.

Munch stood half inside and outside the front door, which was a jar with a brown box in his hand.

Olivia got closer and peaked inside.

"What is it-"

Just as she finished the sentence she recognized the black cat.

"Elizabeth!," she gasped.

Her old cat from Boston lay dead in the box. Olivia took a hard look at her peaceful resting carcass and saw something even more horrifying. Richard's finger. Elizabeth lay on her side with Richards's ring finger hanging from her mouth.

Olivia touched the finger. It was cold and it still bore the wedding ring that he placed on his finger to convince himself that Olivia would one day come back.

She could only guess that this was the final remains of Richard Baer and suddenly she wished that she'd not left him defenseless and hurt this morning.

"Oh Richard, I only pray that you went quickly."

**The cat came back the very next day. The cat came back they thought she was a goner.**

**The cat came back the very next day. And she said Meow, Meow, Meow, Meow.**

**AN: Meow baby - drop me some lines. Let me know if you're still utterly confused. There is still many details that haven't been had, but I'll get to them soon I promise. **


	11. Capture the Flag

**AN: This chapter is super long. I apologize. I just got carried away. Usually I don't write this much in a chapter. Hope it's not too overwhelming. I know was getting a little overwhelmed. ANYWAY- The song is "Sweet Surrender" by Sarah McLaughlin. **

**Capture the Flag **

Star smoothly braked the Crown Vic to a dark corner of a Brooklyn alleyway. She winked at Elliot and said in her devilish shit kicking tone ", you ready to kick some ass?"

Elliot's mid-brow crease formed and he sat next to her almost confused. "Ah…I guess. Wait, wait, wait, how are we gonna do this without getting caught? We're gonna just walk in there?"

Star looked at him crossly. "Yeah. Grab your gun and focus. Getting past the guard is gonna be a mild pain in my ass, but I've gotten through worse."

"Shouldn't we write out a plan before we go stomping through there without warning? I mean, what if this whole thing is a trap?"

Star laughed and applied a layer of lipstick after loading her gun and pulling the safety. "That's the difference between Pencils and horses, Stab. Pencils are sharp but a horse can be led. Follow my lead young lamb."

Elliot had just driven for 8 hours with her wise cracks, her crass behavior, her bizarre metaphors, and her non-stop conversation, and although, she was hilarious in small doses, somewhere in the middle of Pennsylvania her heroic stories of undercover jobs and growing up in Tennessee were starting to wear him down.

After awhile he'd just started to nod and smile. She was what his daughter would refer to as "A nutter."

She strummed to the beat of her own drum, you did what she said no matter how crazy it sounded, and you never interrupted her.

Now in the haze of the early morning, Elliot sat in a mind battle between saving the day and saving his own hide.

"What's the matter, Stabler, never played without the band?"

"Ah…yeah, I don't even know what that means, but I'm not going in there without some protection and possibly some back up."

With a great sigh, Star pursed her lips and padded him on the back. "You're such a nancy, Drew. You expect to walk through Academy grounds with vests and visible weaponry?"

"No, but I don't see how my wrinkled suit is going to blend in either. Not to mention I have kids. I'm not risking my life and my livelihood without a plan and back up."

"So what are you saying? You'd go in there unarmed if you knew it was your kid?"

"No! I'm just saying that in my Unit we go prepared. And I would be no good to Anna- I mean, the victim if I died. Don't you know anyone in there who could get us in legally?"

Star began to rip the seat belt from her side and spoke with great speeds of vehement annoyance. "Now why would I have friends at the pork fry Police Academy? What do I look like, Federal pigeon stool? Goddamn you cops with your safe haven blueprints and your gadgets. Call your back up, Stabler," She chucked her phone at him. "You better have good fuck'n friends, who can keep their yaps shut and enjoy putting their jobs on the line."

Elliot sat with the phone in thought about who he was going to call. Munch and Fin were about the only people he knew, but he hated to ask them for such a risky favor.

"Stabler! Little girl dieing. Make it snappy!" Star yelled as she got out of the car and popped the trunk, whining and hissing the whole time. "I don't wanna go in the big bad basement without my back up team. Fuck'n where's my back up team? I never get a back up team. Goddamn PD's. Breaking into the Police Academy and he's worried about back up. HA! We got a whole flipp'n building full of trigger happy cops and he's worried about a protection plan. I'm not a health insurance company, Stabler!"

She pulled the bulletproof vest and a copy of In Touch Magazine from the trunk and slammed the lid shut.

SCENE

Meanwhile, in a state of vengeful anger, Olivia paced back and forth, outside of Munch's apartment building. "Ok, ok, we call Fin. Have him get the videotapes from this building. Then call Burt Trevor, drop the box and…Elizabeth off at the lab."

Munch stood in his sweat pants and undershirt looking at the box of dead cat in his hands. "Olivia, it's 2 am. Nobody is going to be at the lab."

"Make them be there! We have no time! I have to figure out his next move before somebody else dies."

SCENE

"Charlie do you want more chicken?"

Casey sat next to Charlie in her small dining room space. It was the first time she'd ever used the dining room table for eating on.

Most of the time it was a place where junk mail and car keys went to die.

Charlie shook his head and scrapped at the plate with his fork. He was calm and clean, and he wore a pair of brown slacks and a button down shirt that Casey got from a men's clothing store next to the Precinct.

It was like having a large pet. He rarely spoke, he didn't cause any trouble, and his head wounds were healing quickly.

Since Melinda was having problems of her own and Charlie wasn't causing any, Casey decided she could handle him without twenty-four hour supervision.

She did hire a nurse to come by while she was at work, but in the evening she fell into a delusional version of how she'd always pictured them together. Not to mention, she liked the company, and she did rather enjoy his occasional interactions.

Through small bites of chicken and rice, she read a few files next to her plate and spoke her opinions out loud. Melinda's case was coming up fast and she wanted to build a strong case.

Each thought was directed at Charlie's disconnected gaze, as if he were going to answer her. "Alright, Charlie, help me out here. We've got this e-mail, which was sent to Olivia Benson at 11:20am, according to this. Hah! Because anonymous government evidence is so accurate."

Charlie starred at her as she waved a fork around in her brainstorm of a conversation. When Charlie sat unaffected she laughed at her own sarcasm and continued. "So this email was sent five minutes after the meeting our Unit had with the, oh-so inviting- Federal bullies. That's not so good-BUT- it's not connected to Jackson Zane. I mean, really Char, for all we know the 'anonymous' source was the culprit to this public leak. My client was only looking out for her child victims when she sent this confidential evidence to Detective Benson. My client is being framed. And as for Olivia Benson's involvement with Jackson Zane, the evidence is clear. There isn't any! Unless Jackson and his lawyer are planning on presenting the court with something new, this case is bogus!"

Charlie grabbed the fork from Casey's hand and she jumped.

"You eat," he said.

With a shaky hand he poked at the chicken on her plate and moved it towards her mouth.

"Charlie, I will. Finish your green beans."

"Eat."

Ungracefully he pushed the chicken near her mouth. Her lips touched the fork and opened to receive his notion.

She watched him cautiously. The fork slid from his hand and he lightly touched her face. "Casey."

His hand was warm and firm, like that of the man she once knew. She smiled into the palm that cupped her cheek. "Thank you, Charlie."

He got up from his chair and knelt on the floor beside her. Lightly he touched her hair and her face. It was almost as if he were blind and seeing for the first time.

Casey took in his every move and couldn't decide if she should get ready to hold him down or let him finished his emotional thought. She didn't want to upset him and he seemed serene at the moment.

Gently she touched his hand and kissed it as she backed away nervously.

"We should clean up the table." She handed him his plate. "Can you take that to the sink?"

He dropped the plate on the floor and touched her hands and arms.

Casey's voice wavered, but she wasn't sure how to react. He moved his hands up the side of her arms and touched the necklace on her collarbone.

The gold chain wrapped around his finger and he put his eyes up to the little pearl connected to it.

"You gave me that. Do you remember?"

He didn't answer her. He just looked up at her like an unpredictable animal with sad eyes. And then through heavy breathing he kissed her.

Casey's eyes remained open and astonished. She was almost afraid of what could happen next and then she pushed him away. "Charlie, that's not appropriate. Clean up your dinner, please."

She grabbed her unfinished dinner and rushed to the kitchen. Standing next to the phone she hesitantly grabbed the receiver and dialed the numbers.

"Hello."

Fin's voice filled her ears as Charlie came into the kitchen with his plate neatly held in his hands. His eyes were vacant again.

"Hello?"

It was too embarrassing for her to explain. Quickly she hung up the phone and stood indecisively next to the phone.

SCENE

"Munch, are you alone," Elliot asked from his cell phone.

Munch looked up from his phone at Olivia, who was pulling at the video camera on his building as they spoke.

"Ah…kind of. What do you need?"

"I need a favor. Can you get to the Brooklyn Police Academy?"

"Having second thoughts about the job?"

"Funny. I need to you be here in case we need back up."

"What's wrong with your partner?"

"Lake can't know about this. I need you to do this as a favor and not as a cop."

Elliot's lack of information was unnerving, but seeing as Munch was already housing a wanted ex-Detective and openly rebelling against the Fed's, he figured adding one more secret mission couldn't make things much worse.

"Fine, we'll be there soon."

Olivia started to wiggle the camera from the building. "Liv, you don't have to pull the video camera off the building to call my landlord."

"Munch, don't tell Liv-" Elliot began, but it was too late.

Olivia jumped off the concrete wall, yanked the phone from Munch's hands, and flipped it shut.

Elliot looked at the silent cell phone.

"Munch? Can you hear me? Stupid things."

Star opened Elliot's car door and handed him a bulletproof vest. "Ok, here's the plan. There's a door back there. Go stand by it. I'll let you in when I get past security. There may be a camera by the door. Don't get caught."

Elliot nodded and pointed at the magazine in Star's other hand. "Plan on doing some light reading?"

"It's for the guard. If he's anything like the guy who worked here when I went through, he'll be distracted by Brangelina for at least an hour."

"Fabulous plan. I love putting my trust in the Paris Hilton interview."

Star winked at him and ran for the front of the building.

SCENE

"You want to not say my name while you're in the middle of a phone conversation, Munch!!!!"

Angrily Olivia forced the phone back into his grip.

"Settle down, it was just Elliot."

"That doesn't matter. Everything is connected. We're probably being watched as we speak."

Munch lightly smiled. "Well, I'm glad my conspiracy theories have worn off on somebody."

Olivia let out a tuft of air from her slightly opened lips and scanned the streets.

"Did he say anything about Anna? Are they ok?"

"He didn't say."

Olivia could feel the bags growing larger under her eyes as the night ticked on. She was exhausted, but she wasn't about to give up. Just hearing Elliot's name gave her a jolt of energy to keep fighting.

As long as Anna was safe with him she knew she could get through this. It was a fight she was ready to duel out. Even if she had to do it alone.

**it doesn't mean much**

**it doesn't mean anything at all**

**the life I've left behind me**

**is a cold room**

**I've crossed the last line**

**from where I can't return**

**where every step I took in faith**

**betrayed me**

**and led me from my home**

"What did Elliot want?"

Munch could see the instant need she had for Elliot by the anxious look on her face and the way she said his name.

Cautiously he answered her. "He needs a favor."

"What kind of favor?"

"I don't know. Look, Liv I'll worry about Elliot and getting this box to the lab. Why don't you go get some shut eye and lay low."

Olivia ignored his concern. She glanced from the camera to the building and back at Munch. "You know I can't do that. Besides, Elliot will be able to help us figure out his next move."

She looked at her watch and started for the street. "Let's go. We don't have much time."

**and sweet**

**sweet surrender**

**is all that I have to give**

Munch grabbed her arm and softly motioned for her to back away from the sidewalk. "Liv, you need to get back inside"

"How many more people have to die for my mistakes? Munch, I'm going."

"Liv, what if the fed's are there? It's not safe-"

She pulled away from him and started for his car. Her grinding intentions had overtaken her actions. Rational thinking was not on the agenda.

**and sweet**

**sweet surrender**

**is all that I have to give**

SCENE

Elliot's phone started to vibrate and he flipped it open. "Munch."

"Elliot, it's me."

Olivia's stern voice sounded in his ear.

"I told Munch to leave you out of this," Elliot said with his all-knowing Dad tone.

"You know I can't do that. We're on our way. What do you need us to do?"

"Just…Damn it Olivia. I really need you to stay in the car. You're not gonna win the battle if you get put in jail."

"Elliot, this isn't about revenge. This is about playing the game. I can't sit on the sidelines or I will have let him win."

Elliot became almost inaudible. "Yes and I don't know what's going to happen once we enter the building. I can't allow you to go in there."

"Why don't you trust me?"

"I do trust you, but you're not superwoman."

"That's some trust Elliot. It seems like you're questioning my ability to handle this."

"Olivia, for god's sake stay in the car. This has nothing to do with your abilities."

"Then what's it about?"

He leaned on a nearby dumpster trying to choose his words carefully. He was angry that she couldn't just listen to him. "I…ah… I can't let you go in there until I know I haven't let you down."

Olivia sat in the passenger seat of Munch's car. She could hear his apprehension and his guilt and knew something was wrong. Before Munch could park she jumped out and walked toward the building. "Elliot, what are you keeping from me?"

Before he could answer a noise came from the end of the alleyway. He ducked behind the dumpster and whispered ", I can't talk about it right now."

"Where are you?"

"You two sit out front. I'll call you if we need you."

"Where's Anna?"

"Liv, I have to go."

He clicked the phone shut and knelt behind the dumpster waiting for Star to open that door. Mere moments from hanging up on Olivia, and he heard the footsteps.

He got his gun cocked and ready for fire, but pulled back when he recognized the worn out black leather headed his way.

"Olivia, I told you to stay in the car!"

"Where's Anna?"

"This isn't the time. Go back to the car."

She pushed past him and started for the door.

"Stop," he whispered as he grabbed her arm and pulled her behind the dumpster with him.

They leaned against the brick wall. Olivia took in gulps of breath and tried to calm herself.

"Is he in there?"

"We don't know."

"Why the academy?"

That was the one thing Star and Elliot couldn't figure out. He turned his face to hers and replied ", you tell me."

She thought about it for a second then rolled her head against the wall behind her in frustration. "I don't know. Elliot, please tell me Anna is not in that building."

Elliot looked away from her. "Liv, I haven't been honest with you."

"Don't-" Her heart stopped as he said those words. She could read every inch of his mind through the small inches of guilt creasing on his face.

"I couldn't tell you over the phone."

His sullen body language pulled away from her and she limply fell to her hands and knees.

The gun in Elliot's hands dropped to his side as he gently continued his confession. "Olivia, I didn't want to lie to you."

"Well, you did!" She hissed before attempting to stand up.

He grabbed her around the waste and pulled her against his body. "Stop. Just stop. There isn't any easy way to tell you this and I need you to keep your head on."

**I've crossed the last line**

**from where I can't return**

**where every step I took in faith**

**betrayed me**

The touch of Elliot's strong arms forced her to the ground.

**sweet surrender**

**is all that I have to give**

"Don't leave me, Liv. I need you to stay with me."

She let out a faint cry and went limp into his arms.

**Sweet sweet surrender**

**is all that I have to give**

With his empty hand he pulled the folded picture from his breast pocket and handed it to her. Her face grew red with shock at the intake of her daughter's tiny body strapped to the chair in that lonely familiar basement.

"Star recognized the basement. That's why we're here. Why would he take us to this basement?"

The concrete walls and the mattress in the background brought flashes of repulsive memories to her mind. "Michael Anderson. My first time to... My roommate convinced me that he was the one. We did it right there on that old mattress. I can't believe it's still there. How did he know that?"

Elliot let go of his grip and she turned to read his eyes.

"What happened to Alex, Elliot?"

He paused then absently starred at the ground. The answer fall from his lips. "She didn't make it."

All of the muscles in Olivia's body released and she turned away from Elliot like a lost little girl. Horror was written all over her face.

So many things were going through her mind. Elliot could see the wheels turning and he wanted to save her from the same awful thoughts that he'd been fighting.

Her body felt weak and almost foreign. Like she'd taken a drug and the room was spinning away from the ground.

"How…you should have told me. Why didn't you… you should have… How did this happen? She can't be... She's…How?"

Elliot shook his head and stuttered a bit. He didn't have to answer the question. She already knew how.

"I tried. He got to her before I could reach Witness Protection. Livia, I was going to tell you, but I couldn't."

Olivia could feel his emotional battle pouring like waves of energy from his almost feverishly warm body.

The touch of his hand on her shoulder brought her back his eyes.

His red stabbing eyes blinked helplessly back at her stricken expression. He took a hold of her hands and whispered next to her. "I didn't want to hurt you again."

She looked watched him with remorseful understanding. Elliot Stabler, her ever-present guardian. He would always protect her, even when she didn't want it. And she would do the same for him. Lightly she touched the side of his face. "You could never hurt me."

"You would have never given Anna up if it weren't for my selfishness. I caused you to run. I led you to believe that you had a chance and then I took it away from you by hiding behind my marriage. I hurt you."

"Elliot, I chose to give Anna up, because I wasn't stable."

"Exactly. I should have been there for you and I wasn't.

**you take me in**

**no questions asked**

**you strip away the ugliness**

**that surrounds me**

**are you an angel**

**am I already that gone**

**I only hope**

**that I won't disappoint you**

**when I'm down here**

**on my knees**

**and sweet **

**sweet**

**sweet surrender**

**is all that I have to give"**

He wiped the tear from her cheek then pulled her into his body. He needed her close to his numb soul. It had been too long since Elliot remembered Olivia's warm body. He closed his eyes and almost forgot about the world around him.

**and I don't understand**

**by the touch of your hand**

**I would be the one to fall**

**I miss the little things**

**oh I miss everything**

Lightly he kissed her on the head as she sobbed. The gun in her hand fell to the ground and she clung to him like she'd never let go.

**it doesn't mean much**

**it doesn't mean anything at all**

**the life I left behind me**

**is a cold room**

**Sweet Surrender**

Star burst through the side door like a bat out of hell. Her mouth was going like it had never stopped.

"Ten four rubber duck. The chicken has flown it's- Now what the hell is going on?"

Star looked down at Elliot and Olivia hugging on the ground.

"I'm racking my brain to make you feel "protected" and you decide to have a three am booty call in the alleyway. Jesus Christ and all the saints in heaven! You're lucky I like you, Stabler. I mean, is it any wonder you're confused about the number of children you have?"

Olivia jumped to her feet wiping the tears from her eyes. "Star! You have such a way with words. God I missed you!

"Yeah, yeah, no time for reunions. Let's go."

The three of them headed to the basement. The heavy door closed behind them.

SCENE

Casey cleaned up the mess of food that Charlie had dropped on the floor and tied the garbage bag in her hand. "Charlie, I'll be back. I'm just gonna take this to the trash can."

Charlie didn't answer. He sat on the couch in his own world while an episode of "The X-Files" blared in the background.

**AN: DUHN DUHN DAHHHHH!!!! Tune in next week when Casey's imaginary dog eats Richard's dick! Spotted dick, that is! singing And I will tell them I remember...You! Random reference! Who knows what it is? I'll give you a hint. Bette Midler was in the movie. Wooo hoo. Ok I'm nuts! Drop me a review.**


	12. Are you ok?

**AN: I am on a ball today people. It was like write and read day for me. SO fun! I love write and read day! This story was put on hold for a while because I -A: had a spell of "Chain" writer's blockage and --B: got distracted by the thought of Kathy dieing. If you haven't read it - check it out- it's a hot topic at the mo "Why We had to Kill Kathy" Anyway, the blockage parted when I heard this song. So here it is. It's definitely not as cheery as "Killing Kathy"...??? yeah, that shouldn't be right... Have a read. Enjoy! Song is "Annie are you Ok" by Micheal Jackson and Alien Ant Farm. I personally like the "Farm" better, but either one is good.**

**Are you ok?**

Fin sat at his desk finishing the last bit of paper. The office was practically empty.

The only reason he stayed was to keep a close watch on any incoming news, but the pile of unfinished reports was getting harder and harder to stretch out.

The unit Fin remembered, as home seemed empty and cold. The higher ups brought in a few replacements to fill in the lack of employment in the office.

Captain Julia Millfield, was one of them. She was familiar with the unit from the case with Olivia and Simon Marsdon.

Julia was expecting a rough first week, but when she got to the precinct things seemed, well dead.

Now in the wee hours of morning she resided in Cragen's office with the door open watching Fin like a hawk and trying to decide when he needed to take his weary eyes home.

He almost didn't notice the sound of her heels. Just as he nodded off for the third time in ten minutes she touched his shoulder. "Fin, go home."

"Huh? Naw, it's ok. You need the backup and I'm swamped anyway."

She smiled knowingly at him and took the pen from his hand.

Julia had been informed to keep an eye on this unit, but she knew from previous experiences that this team of detectives worked as a family.

Taking over a group of people like this wasn't going to be easy if she went in with accusations and handcuffs.

Lightly she sat on the corner of Fin's desk and looked him in the eye. "Fin, I appreciate your hard work, but you've been working on that small stack of files for five hours. I know what your up to, and trust me, I want to help Olivia as much as you do, but you've done everything you can for one night. Go home."

Fin sighed and rubbed his eyes. "I just feel like we're missing something. White doesn't lay low this long. He's planning as we speak. The fed's want you to put this case on the back burner, but this guy isn't going to stop killing because Olivia is wanted."

"Well what are we missing?"

"I don't know."

He bit the corner of his lip and walked to the video board.

The pictures of Richard Baer's dead body, minus his finger sat at one corner, while the photo of Alex sat next to it on the other. "Richard White's mother said that he left her a message. She said he wanted her to keep her mouth shut and hire a lawyer with balls. White's new MO's. Alex and Richard Baer. Both are lawyers. What's he got against lawyers."?

"ADA's," Julia added.

"Right. I just don't understand why he's going after ADA's if his fixation is towards Olivia. They didn't even know him."

"Yes, but they knew Olivia."

"Yeah, so."

Julia starred at the photos and a light went off in her head. "He's baiting her. He wants her to go through a living hell. Alex and Richard Baer were close friends. They were intimate relationships. He controls her with every kill."

"And her past. If Olivia gets caught and goes to jail-"

"He'll have ultimate power over her. It's worse than death. So what's his next move?"

Fin pulled the chalkboard over and started making a list.

"Elliot, Simon-"

"What are you doing?"

"I'm making a list of everyone in Olivia's life. Munch, Myself, Casey, her nephew Billy, Sharon Marsdon….Casey."

Fin dropped the chalk and ran for his cell phone.

"What?"

"Casey called me earlier tonight. We gotta go."

"What? Fin, wait," Julia ran for her gun and chased Fin down the hallway in her brand new heels.

SCENE

Casey looked at the clock. "Ah, 2am. I gotta go to bed." She stretched herself from the couch and took a peak at Charlie in her guest room. He soundly snored under the covers. She closed his door and headed to the bathroom to brush her teeth.

SCENE

"Alright if I remember correctly it's right around this corner," Star whispered.

Olivia nodded and the three of them proceeded through the hallway. At the end stood a thick brightly painted red door marked "Boiler Room".

Olivia could feel her heart pounding. She pushed past Elliot and he touched her arm.

"You gonna be ok," he lightly said.

"Yeah, let's do this."

Star rolled her eyes then proceeded to the door and stuck her ear against the surface.

Elliot and Olivia fell closely behind.

Her fist grabbed the doorknob and pulled.

SCENE

Edward Berdoll was a character. He was scrawny with a five o'clock shadow and thick black glasses.

Drowsily he flipped through the pages of In Touch magazine and sipped on his coffee.

All was quiet at the Academy. Of course, in the eight years he'd been there the most action he'd ever witnessed was a fistfight between two drunken cadets.

They got expelled and he got to use his glake for the first time ever. It was a night to remember.

There wasn't much need for a security guard at a police establishment, but somebody had to pretend they were looking out for the young cops of tomorrow.

In mid Lindsay Loan gossip his phone rang, nearly scaring him half to death. "Berdoll."

"You've got company in the West Wing. Better call your back up," was all the voice said before hanging up and hearing the click and fade in of the dial tone.

"Wha-"

Edward dropped his magazine and looked at the screens near the west side of the building. Sure enough he saw the three fugitives with guns.

"Holy shit!"

Quickly Edward called his enforcement and headed towards that side of the building.

SCENE

Casey turned the facet off and wiped her mouth. As she went to turn off the light a rustling sound came from the living room.

"Charlie?"

Charlie was still sound asleep. She looked around the hallway cautiously and in a panic checked all of the closets and windows. Everything was in its' place and secure. Just as her nerves settled back to their natural existence the buzzer on her door sounded with a loud vibration.

"Oh my god," she jumped. With shaky hands she grabbed her baseball bat and headed to the intercom.

"Hello."

"Casey, it's Fin."

Her power swing stance dropped to her side and she placed the bat next to the door. "Jesus, Fin, are you trying to scare me to death?"

"You called me. You ok?"

"Yeah, that was like five hours ago. I'm fine."

"You need me to make sure?"

Casey glanced at Charlie's bedroom. She hadn't told anyone except for Melinda about him.

"I'm fine, Fin. I'd like to go to sleep if that's ok with you."

"Are you sure you're ok?"

"I'm fine! Thanks for the concern."

"Let me come up."

"NO! I mean, you could, but I have a long day tomorrow. I gotta hit the hay."

Fin paused and spoke back to her voice. "Ok, but I'm gonna stay outside. Call me if you need me.

"Should I need you?"

"No, but if you do. Goodnight, Casey."

"Goodnight."

Casey held her pounding heart and walked to the kitchen to make sure the back window was locked. Her bare feet hit the linoleum and the next thing she knew life and death blinked before her eyes.

CRASH

**As he came into the window**

**It was the sound of a crescendo**

The dark figure came towards her with a knife.

"What the- Who are-"

**He came into her apartment**

**He left the bloodstains on the carpet**

Before she could run for the front door her back had already taken the first fast slice. Warm blood seeped from her back.

**She ran underneath the table**

**He could see she was unable**

**So she ran into the bedroom**

**She was struck down, it was her doom**

SCENE

Star burst through the boiler room door and pointed her gun at every inch of the empty room. "Well shit."

The old mattress lay in the corner with a bouquet of roses on it.

Olivia dropped her gun and knelt next to the flowers. She picked up the small card that Richard White always made an effort to write, from the petals and read it out loud. "No hard feelings. Enjoy prison. Richard."

The card fell from her fingers and she turned to look at the now empty space that Anna had been held captive.

"Liv, it's ok. We'll find her."

**Annie are you ok**

**Are you ok**

**Are you ok, annie**

**Annie are you ok**

**Annie are you ok**

**Are you ok**

**Are you ok, annie**

**Annie are you ok**

**Youve been hit by**

**Youve been struck by-**

**A smooth criminal**

SCENE

Fin heard the scream from the sidewalk and grabbed a nearby garbage can.

"Stand back, Julia."

With a swing of the arm he thrust the metal can through the glass door of the building and climbed around the fallen shards of glass.

"Call for back up," he yelled to Julia, who ran for the squad car.

SCENE

Star snapped her head towards the door. "We got company. Company with back up. Elliot cuff Olivia."

"What!"

"Cuff her!"

He looked at Star in astonishment. "Why?"

"We'll never get him, if we're all in jail. Now cuff her, Romeo!"

Star started pulling the bulletproof vest off of Olivia, while Elliot did as he was told.

Taking Olivia's hands he cuffed her from the front.

In a matter of seconds a hoard of cops came rushing through the door. "Freeze!"

Star held her hands in the air and strutted towards the group. "Whoa! Whoa! Boys, girls, hang tight! We're all cops."

Edward peaked his head from the back. "That's the one that told me she was with the Feds. She said she was doing a routine inspection."

"Edward, my man, calm down. I am with the Feds. Can I reach for my badge please?"

The Captain of the group dropped his weapon just a bit. "Put your gun down first."

She laid her gun on the floor and handed him the badge. "I'm Agent Star Morrison. This is my partner Elliot Stabler. We're here on Federal business. You seemed to have a fugitive hiding out in your boiler room."

The gruff man took a look at Olivia in confusion.

Olivia relized she was way too calm she blinked and grabbed the urge to play her part as she wiggled in Elliot's grip. "I'm no fugitive. They forced me to run. I didn't do anything. I was framed."

Elliot followed her lead and shook the arm he held in his grasp. "Shut up!"

"That's harassment asshole!"

"You gonna play hard to get Benson, cause I can make your life miserable."

Elliot's angry cop face came inches from hers and he quickly winked with the eye facing away from the group.

"Hey, Stabler, you got a handle on her or do I have to take her down myself," Star added.

"Look Captain… ah…"

"Robertson," finished the head cop.

"Roberston. I'm sorry about the break in, but she's been on out list for quite some time. It was on the hush hush. I couldn't risk warning your team and losing her again. My partner needs to take her in and I'll clean up the damage, ok."

Captain Robertson watched Olivia struggle in Elliot's arms and nodded for his gang of newbies to fall back. "Let him through unit."

Elliot pushed Olivia into the hallway. "Don't even think about running you rat."

"Why you afraid your doughnut eating pig ass won't catch me?"

"That's real original. You couldn't run from me if you tried, Toots."

They got past the cops and fell into a silent haze.

Anna wasn't there.

"Elliot, you don't think he kil…"

"No."

He said the first thing that he wanted to hear, but he wasn't sure if he could believe it himself, let alone convince her.

Munch saw the two of them push open the front doors and start heading for his car. When they got close enough he unrolled the window to comment on the roll playing. "What's the matter Stabler, she giving you sass?"

He didn't answer. He was too concerned to joke at the moment.

Vigilantly Olivia turned and faced him with her cuffed hands held towards him. He watched her leaden expression and gripped her ice-cold hands with his hot-tempered palms.

"You're cold."

"It's January."

The metal slipped off of her wrists and the car portable interrupted their numb demeanors.

SCENE

"You fuck'n bastard!"

Fin bolted through Casey's door to see Charlie standing over her body, bloody and rocking back and forth in a mental panic and a stab wound to the stomach.

Without realizing who he was after, Fin pummeled Charlie to the ground.

"Fin," Casey coughed through blood and pain. "No."

"Casey, you hold tight."

"Stop! That's not him."

Fin was wrestling Charlie's spastic arms and legs. Blood was smearing everywhere and then Charlie stopped moving.

"What the-"

Casey pulled her self over to him. "Oh no, no!"

"Casey, what's going on?"

"He went down the fire escape."

SCENE

"Munch, floor it."

"I am!"

Olivia sat on the edge of the back seat gripping the upholstery and holding on to Elliot's hand.

**Annie are you ok**

**Are you ok**

**Are you ok, annie**

They stopped short of Casey's block and could see flashing lights and an ambulance parked outside. Olivia was fixed on the building, but Elliot slapped her on the wrist when his side gaze caught the figure jump into a van in the opposite direction.

"There! That blue van. Munch, you see that it's pulling away. Follow it."

**annie are you ok**

**Will you tell us that you're ok?**

They reached the bumper of the van and it sped up even faster. As it rounded the corner they could see White's dark figure in the driver's seat.

With an explosion of metal the van hit the side of a parked car and swerved into a fire hydrant.

Munch pulled a fast turn and stopped the car next to the van as Elliot jumped from the car.

Richard White ran for it. Down the street he went with Elliot pumping at full speed behind him.

Munch dropped Olivia off and headed down the street towards Elliot and White.

The van was steaming from the hit of the hydrant and Olivia yanked open the back doors. Anna lay in the back tied up and slightly bruised.

"Anna!"

She'd never felt so overly fearful and emotionally relieved as she did at the touch of her little girls tiny frightened breathing body.

The tears rolled down her cheeks and she kissed her over and over again as she undid the restraints and spoke soft comforting words into her ear. "Oh, I am so happy to see you my brave sweet girl. I was so scared. Anna, I'm gonna get you home and safe, ok? Mommy loves you so much."

Anna started to cry and her little arms wrapped around Olivia neck. "I want my mommy. I want my mommy."

The sound of those words made Olivia's heart sink. Alex's smiling face haunted her mind. She let out a sob and held onto Anna with every inch of her body and soul. "I know, sweetheart. You're mommy wants you too."

Olivia heard a shot fire and a loud screeching sound close by. She held Anna tightly in her arms and jumped from the back of the van.

The lights from the street came out of nowhere. Richard White was headed straight for them in a yellow cab that he'd just taken possession of. Olivia saw the lights and pushed Anna out of the way. Her jump didn't quite make for safety.

All Elliot saw was the blow and roll of her body and the fast escape of the yellow cab.

"Nooooooooo!"

**So they came into the outway**

**It was sunday-what a black day**

**Mouth to mouth resus-citation**

**Sounding heartbeats-intimidations**

**you've been hit by**

**You've been struck by-**

**A smooth criminal**

**Okay, I want everybody**

**To clear the area right now!**

**Whoooaw wah wah wah wah wah Whooah**

**AN: Well if you weren't confused before... Oh Mariposa- you know you love it. And you all want to hate me at the moment for leaving you this way, but I just couldn't write anymore in this chapter. It was too heavy. And it calls for a new song. Stay tuned. Leave me your thoughts. Even your evil ones. Scarlett **


	13. A rose unlike any other

**AN: Wow- two updates in one day- I am on a ball! Take that Mrs. Leee. Telling me I'm slow. Pash! I will say that I am not in a funny mood today though. So, sorry if you were up for that, but it's in the air. I think it's the realization that fall is on it's way. I hate winter time. I live in Chicago. It sucks a witches titty here in the winter time. And if you've never been here before- you don't understand what cold is. I thought I did...but then I moved here and I was mistaken people. It's like Bone eating cold here. I thought- Oh I've lived in New York and Pittsburgh, how much colder can it get---AHHHHH FUCKING COLD! Someday I'll move, but until then- I will grow strangely depressed when the thought of winter nears. We still have a few good months left, but today was really cold for some reason. It's that god damn global warming!!!!! I hate people who own cars in a big city. It's stupid! You can all suck my oxygen eating ass! Fucking Rich Bearuocratic CO2 making scumbags. That last sentence was meant for anyone involved with a company who has no respect for the environment! My father's company is one of them and I tell him that I hate him on a regular basis- so don't get too upset if you're one of those people. I'm just very dramatic. Okay I'm better. Sorry. Read it's good for the mind.  
**

** A rose unlike any other...**

"Mr. Stabler?"

"Yes."

"Dr. Bistoni."

The tall doctor held his hand out and Elliot stood up from the chair next to Olivia's hospital bed. Anna hung on one shoulder half asleep and sucking her thumb, while his other arm lifted to shake the doctor's hand.

"What did the test say?"

"Nothing good, but nothing bad. In order for Olivia to wake up from the coma her brain needs to show patterns of reactivity and perceptivity. Neither of which her brain is producing at the moment. Now, normally a coma patient will start showing these signs within four weeks. In this case it's been a little over four weeks and she's now entered the stages of a prolonged coma."

Simon, Casey, and Fin stood up from their seats by the hospital window to get closer to the conversation.

"So where does that leave her," Casey asked.

"I'm afraid it's a waiting game from here. She could wake up anywhere from next week to next year. My one question now is do you want us to take her off of the breathing machines?"

"Whoa," Simon pushed through. "Isn't that a little extreme? I mean, you just said that she could still wake up. Why would we do that?"

"Well the breathing machines are preventing her from using muscles that she should be using by now. If we get rid of them she could start to show signs of consciousness. Here's the thing Mr. Marsdon, if she doesn't wake up soon there's a good chance that she'll remain in a vegative like state even if she does wake up."

"But that's if. What happens if she doesn't start breathing on her own? What then? We sit here and watch her die?"

"Simon, calm down," Fin interjected. "He's just giving us some options."

Elliot walked away from the group and starred at Olivia while rubbing Anna's back.

Dr. Bistoni answered as he watched Elliot avoid the topic. "We would monitor her breathing. If it seems labored we can always reinsert the tube."

"Oh god," Simon jerked. "This is—this can't be happening to her. It's not her time. It's not! I can't make that call. Who's going to make that decision? I can't do it."

The doctor flipped his clipboard over and looked up at Elliot. "Well, she has written in her legal pages that Elliot Stabler would handle all of these decisions, so…I can give you a few minutes and you guys can talk it over…"

"Let's do it."

"What?" Simon looked up from the floor with jealous anger in his eyes.

Elliot turned to the doctor. "She doesn't want to be a vegetable. If that's the best option then we're gonna do it."

Everyone in the room silently agreed. They weren't about to interfere with the decision.

The doctor shortly returned with a nurse and they took the breathing tube out. Elliot held onto Olivia's hand and nervously squeezed it, as if he were coaching her.

An hour went by and she was still breathing on her own. Their panic was slowly diminishing. Simon eventually left to go home to his wife and son, and Elliot played with Anna in the silence of Casey and Fin's melancholy company.

Elliot hadn't said much in a month and when he did say anything it was usually sullen or profound. If he wasn't working he was in this room playing with Anna or holding Olivia's hand, but a hint of light was taken from his personality the night they brought Olivia into the hospital.

The brief minutes that brought his life to a standstill would haunt him on a daily basis. The blood was everywhere. Anna screamed from in between the cars that Olivia had pushed her towards. The only remotely good thing that came out of the accident was catching Richard White and post-poning the trial that would most likely put Olivia in jail or at least taken away her badge.

The mystery of it all was little Anna. Under Anna's custody papers were several names. After Olivia's name, written in her handwriting, was Elliot's. She'd left him in charge of everything. He still wasn't sure why. Until recently, they weren't even talking. He'd assumed she'd chosen him before she'd met her fiancée, but even so, Simon was family, why not him?

So there they were. Elliot and Anna, like two peas in a pod. It was possible that Olivia knew Elliot would take care of her better than anyone else, but it was also possible that Anna was rightfully his. It happened so long ago, but Elliot could remember that night like it was yesterday. It was right before the Gitano case. Right before he'd acted like a complete jerk.

_**Flash Back Elliot's POV**_

"Let me drive you home."

She glanced up at me from the lobby of the hotel in that black dress and her perfect made up face. We'd just gotten finished with an undercover job. Fin and Munch were taking the scumbag in for questioning. Olivia and I were done for the evening.

"Don't you have a basketball game to watch with your son?"

"It's 10:30. He's probably watched it by now. It's on the way; just let me drop you off. I can't let you take a cab in that dress."

She blushed and slapped me with her tiny matching purse. "Just because I'm wearing heels doesn't mean I can't fend off the cat calls."

"I wasn't worried about you."

She stopped in her tracks and looked at me with a tilted brow. "Elliot Stabler, if I wasn't mistaken I would almost think that was a come on."

"I…" Now it was my turn to blush. "I meant it only in the form of flattery. You look very nice. I wouldn't let my daughter go home alone like that, and I'm not letting you."

"Well thank you…I think."

One thing led to another and I ended up on her couch with a glass of wine and a sappy story about my pathetic separation. I had to bring Kathy up it was the only way to forget about her legs in that dress. Then she took off her earrings and her heels and curled up on the couch next to me. Leaning and bending. Bending and leaning. The hint of cleavage ever so slightly catching my eye.

"I should get going."

"Oh, have one more. I can't remember the last time we actually sat down for a drink. It's nice," she smiled.

"Yeah, it is. Why don't we do this more often?"

Three glasses of wine later and I knew why we didn't do this often, or ever. We were laughing about childhood memories and practical jokes in the office. As mundane as that sounded it was just what I needed and it was sexy as all get out.

"Did you see his face when Fin rounded the corner in his glasses," she snorted. "I wanted to die of laughter."

"It's not good to mess with peoples prescriptions," I said in my best John Munch voice. "You could have scratched the lens and then my aim would be off."

"He thought he was going blind," She gasped through the laughter.

We were laughing so hard that the neighbors pounded on the wall.

"Ohp. Shhhh," She giggled.

"Nice going chuckles the neighbors are gonna call the cops."

"Oh no, " she goofed with sarcasm. "You better hide the weed. Old man Cragen's coming to getcha."

She fell over into my arm in a fit of held back laughter.

"You're officially …(hiccup) officially cut off Ms. Benson."

"Me! Hiccup Magee! You're a regular wino, Mr. Stabler."

The reaction was so natural. I didn't even think about it, I just kissed her. At first there wasn't even an objection. Our lips melted together and before I knew it her dress was on the floor and my pants were around my ankles.

She lifted herself over my body. Her naked warm skin lightly touching me. The wetness between her legs grazed my hard erection and I jolted to touch her in every way I could. I couldn't get enough of her.

She sat up over my lap and I touched her hard nipples while watching her stare back at me. She was radiant. Drunk, but radiant and beautiful. I touched her flushed cheeks and her lips then pulled her into me again.

"Elliot, should we be doing this," she muttered through my smoldering kisses.

"You tell me."

She looked at me like an angel and slowly slid her hand down my chest and past my hips. Her fingers made me groan with anticipation and very gently I pushed myself inside of her.

"Ohhh," she sighed. "Mmm…."

She road me like an animal and then teased me with soft slow hip motions.

"Olivia, you're so beau-"

"Shhhh, don't say those things to me or I may never let you go."

"Who said you had to?"

She moaned and quickened her pace as I ran my hands around every inch of her curves.

"You're touch…it's mesmerizing. I can't stop the feeling. I'm…OH…"

"That's it, Liv…Come for me."

"Oh…ye-I'm going to…mmm, Elliot… you are so…goooood."

Her uncontrollable whimpers drove me straight to climax and before I could pull out…

"Shit!"

"Elliot, did you just…"

"I did. Are you on…"

"No, but you can't get…"

She lightly slid onto my chest and nestled her head under my chin.

"I can't what?"

"Nothing, it's fine. It'll be fine."

After that night things weren't quite the same. I was under a lot stress with Kathy. I took a lot if out on her. Too much of it out on her. If there was one thing that I could regret from life, that would have been it.

_**Flash Back Over**_

Casey and Fin watched Elliot play Polly Pocket with Anna and smiled at each other. Casey then glanced at her watch and nodded to Fin. "You heading out?"

"I am if you are."

"I need to stop by the home and drop Charlie's paint supplies off. He'll throw a fit tomorrow if he doesn't have them. That and Melinda's trail is bright and early, I should get to bed."

"I almost forgot about that. You need a ride?"

"That would great. Elliot?"

"Yeah."

"We're heading out, honey."

"Alright."

Casey kissed Anna on the forehead. "Goodnight sweetheart."

Anna hadn't spoken since the accident. Her therapy was coming along, but the doctors said she would need time. She'd seen Alex, who she'd known as her mother get brutally murdered and then Olivia smashed by a car. It was a rough month. She ignored Casey's touch and kept playing with her little dolls.

Elliot faintly smiled. "Goodnight, Case. Thanks for being here."

"Hey, El, when Melinda's trail is over…maybe you should get the blood tests done. You know, for Anna. If Jackson is the…well he should know. Don't you think?"

Elliot froze in silence then muttered without taking his eyes from Anna. "Yeah, we can do that."

The truth is he didn't want to know. He was happy with the way Olivia left them. And until Olivia was aware of life once again, Anna was all he had left of her.

Casey waited for a second, hoping that he would give her some sign of life. When he didn't she walked out of the room with Fin in tow.

"You think Anna is his," Casey whispered to Fin.

"I hope so. She's the only thing keeping him together right now."

"That's for sure."

At ten o'clock Anna was heavily rubbing her tired eyes.

"Well chick pea, should we go home?"

She looked up at him and held her arms for him to lift her.

"Let's say good night to your mamma."

He lifted her onto the bed next to Olivia and put his hands together to pray. "We're gonna pray Anna. Let's pray for mommy."

She held her little hands together and closed her eyes as Elliot quietly prayed for her. "God bless our family, be with Mommy Alex in heaven, keep all of my children safe and more importantly happy, and bring Mommy Olivia back to us healthy and strong. Thank you Lord. Amen. You want to say goodnight. Say 'goodnight Mamma Livvie.' Go on Anna. I know you can do it."

Anna bashfully turned her head away from Elliot.

"Kisses then?"

They both leaned over and kissed Olivia on the cheek.

"Good girl, Princess. Let's get you to bed." He lifted her off of the bed and then touched Olivia one final time. "I love you. I know I never said it enough, and I hope that you can hear me, because I need you to know, that I love you. And I need you. Please don't leave me."

He quickly walked away before the tears started. As he passed the nurse he waved. "Night Laverne. You'll call me if anything changes?"

"Will do big E."

**When you're dreaming with a broken heart**

**The waking up is the hardest part**

Elliot walked into his tiny apartment with Anna's sleeping tired body in his arms. Gently he laid her on a small bed in the corner of his living room then went to his room and starred at the empty bed.

**You roll outta bed and down on your knees**

**And for the moment you can hardly breathe**

His feet dragged against the wooden floor as he made his way to the bed and sat on the edge. In a daze he unbuttoned his shirt and tried not to think about the awful feeling in his chest.

**Wondering was she really here?**

**Is she standing in my room?**

**No she's not, 'cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone...**

He lay in his bed with his eyes wide open. Every time he closed them, memories of her smile and her tears filled his mind. He was scared to death that she would never wake up. There was something in him that almost wanted to pretend she wasn't there. Like they'd never met. But every time he looked at her little girl, he was reminded of her constant presence.

**When you're dreaming with a broken heart**

**The giving up is the hardest part**

His alarm sounded and he immediately grabbed his cell phone. "This is Elliot Stabler… Good morning, Laverne. You still there? One more hour. Good. How is she? Great. Thank you."

He dropped the phone and looked at the doorway where Anna sat rocking back and forth and softly crying.

**She takes you in with your crying eyes**

"Anna, did you have a bad dream?" She ran to him and clung to his neck. Her little sobs were a stab to his heart. He felt Olivia's absence growing larger.

**Then all at once you have to say goodbye**

**Wondering could you stay my love?**

**Will you wake up by my side?**

**'cause she's gone, gone, gone, gone, gone...**

Elliot did all he could to help Anna get back to a normal four year old's life. He made her heart shaped toast and helped her finger paint. He even braided her long thick brown hair every morning before school. He was a regular Mr. Mom, but he could feel that his sadness was staying with her like a contagious disease. He'd send her to preschool and sometimes he'd watch from the window to make sure she was playing with the other kids. She mostly played alone, but she didn't seem too upset. It took him a whole two weeks before he could leave her without going through a spell of high pitched screaming and tears. He couldn't blame her for not wanting to be left alone. He was just as unhappy about it as she was. That's when he started writing Olivia letters.

**Oooooooooohhhhhhhhh**

"Dear Olivia,

I let Anna try your favorite tea today. She's not much of a fan, but she loves butterscotch ice cream. I guess that's the first sign of a true Benson. I told her that tea was meant to be acquired. She didn't quite get that. But you'd be so proud her. She makes you a picture every day. I keep them all for you. And she put the alphabet on the refrigerator. Not one letter was out of place. Come back to us soon.

I love you always,

Elliot"

**Now do i have to fall asleep with roses in my hand**

**Do i have to fall asleep with roses in my hand?**

**Do i have to fall asleep with roses in my hand?**

**Do i have to fall asleep with roses in my hand?**

**Would you get them if i did?**

**gone, gone, gone, gone, gone...**

**When you're dreaming with a broken heart  
The waking up is the hardest part**

**AN: You know I'm not a John Meyer fan...at all! But i heard this song and I was literally crying. It could have been the PMS, but until the PMS is over I'm gonna have to say it's a good song. I'm open to listen to almost anything, but I have a great respect for people who can move me to tears and sing live. That said- Drop me some love. No faq reviews aloud. Only real ones.  
**


	14. Face of Faith

**AN: I love Nellie McKay. I know, I say it all of the time, but honestly I swear she and I have the same brain. Anyway, her song "Face of Faith". I used it in the chapter. it is so good. If you don't know it. Check it out. It's short and beautiful. This update seemed to take forever. So sorry you all. I've been a little busy. Stupid time consuming things.  
**

**Face of Faith**

Melinda Warner sat on the bench in court looking out at the jury. Casey, Jackson Zane, Trevor Langdon, and a small group of witnesses, Elliot being one of them, played their roles and went through the motions of questions and answers.

Melinda's husband sat behind Casey nervously wringing his hands and keeping his eyes to the floor. He was never really good at dealing with the stress of court. Melinda on the other hand, had been through the procedure before and she felt that she had a pretty good case.

"Last question, Dr. Warner," Trevor paced. "Were you ever in contact with my client after this e-mail was sent to Olivia Benson?"

"No. In fact, this is the first time that I'd ever met your client."

"Okay, thank you."

The judge cleared his throat and dismissed Melinda. He held back a yawn, "Ms. Novak, do you have any witnesses?"

"Yes. I'd like to call Elliot Stabler to the stand."

Elliot fixed his tie and walked to the bench.

He noticed the two conspicuous federal rats in black suits sitting towards the back of the room and knew that if anything remotely shady went down the Fed's would take Olivia to jail conscious or not. This was more then a fight for freedom of speech this was Munch's conspiracy nightmare in the flesh. They weren't messing around and these two particular men seemed to be making it their own personal agenda.

Casey's heels clopped across the marble floor and stopped in front of him. "Detective, do you recall seeing my client send this e-mail to Olivia Benson?"

"Yes."

"And at the time, what were her reasons?"

"It's my duty, as a detective, to protect and serve the victims that come through my unit. When the federal agents cleaned out our office they also took three of our victims Tasha, Niki, and Lola into their custody on charges of being part of a national Anthrax leak. These three little girls had lost their family during Hurricane Katrina. They should have been reunited with their blood relatives in New York, but instead, were taken away for things they had no knowledge of. Those girls trusted us and it was our responsibility to get them the proper care and justice that they needed. Our team felt it necessary to fight for them and in doing so we had to prove where the Anthrax came from and that our victims were not connected to it. That's where Melinda Warner's e-mail came in. The e-mail was from an old school mate of hers that contacted her before the Fed's told us the investigation was classified. The information was used to clear our victims and for no other reason."

"So when Jackson Zane posted their story in his newspaper, were you aware of how he obtained that information?"

"No."

"Had you spoken to him about this case?"

"During the beginning of the case, Mr. Zane did try to obtain information from Olivia Benson and myself. We told him what we tell every journalist, 'no comment.'"

"Thank you."

Casey took her seat and Trevor nodded to Elliot.

Jackson wasn't even paying attention. He scribbled on a notepad the entire time. The sound of his pencil was starting to irritate Elliot. He couldn't help but stare at him. Jackson glanced up and his dark brown eyes flashed and pierced Elliot's thoughts. Anna's sad face flickered in his mind.

"Detective Stabler? Elliot?"

"Huh- Ahem, sorry. I'm sorry can you repeat the question please?"

Trevor nodded and stood in front of Jackson. "If nobody from your unit leaked the story to the press, how do you think my client obtained the information?"

"I don't know ask him."

"Let me rephrase the question. Did you or Olivia Benson send my client the information he needed for his articles?"

"I can only speak for myself, but no, I did not send Jackson Zane any information about this case?"

"Did Olivia Benson ever mention sending my client that information?"

"No, she did not."

Trevor smiled and got real close to Elliot. "Now, come on, the photo was pretty identical to the one in your file. Who do you think sent him that information if it wasn't you?"

"First, of all that photo could have been taken from anybody at the park that day and secondly, I've already told you that Olivia gave me no information or even hint that she was part of the leak."

"And weren't you in on the investigation with Michael Delbit, the lab technician who stole the Anthrax?"

"Yes."

"Weren't you curious to know how Jackson knew every detail of that investigation?"

Elliot stopped in his thoughts and looked up at Jackson, who for the first time, put his pencil down.

"I…was. Yes."

"So if you didn't send him the information can we assume that Olivia, the only other person in that room, was part of this leak-"

"Your honor, I object," Jackson said, standing before Elliot could answer the question.

"Excuse me," said the judge. "Mr. Zane, you do realize you're objecting your own lawyer?"

"Yes, sir. I need a moment with my lawyer please, sir, your honor."

"Fine."

Trevor and Zane whispered for a few minutes and then Trevor approached the judge.

"Mr. Langdon, shall we proceed."

"Um, yes, we have no further questions at this time."

"You're sure of that?"

"Yes," Trevor said as he noticeably cringed.

Elliot sat at the bench with a look of confused annoyance on his face. "So, do I answer that last question or…"

"No," Trevor interrupted. "That won't be necessary."

The judge cleared his throat angrily. "Mr. Langdon, I hope you're not wasting my time with this trial, because I'm really not in the mood for a dog and pony show this morning."

"No, sir, we can not continue our questions without Olivia Benson, your honor."

"Very well," sighed the judge. "And there are no more witnesses?"

"No your honor," Trevor said as he headed back to his chair.

"Well, then, I'm afraid that without more evidence and Olivia Benson's testimony, I will have to file this as a mistrial until further information can be provided. These e-mails are worthless without an accurate history. Jackson Zane, you are to finish your sentence until further notice. And if I see this case in my courtroom without proper justification again, I will charge both, you, Mr. Langdon and your Client, Jackson Zane on false allegations. Court adjourned."

Melinda and Casey stood up and headed for the door. "That was a waste of time and tax payer's hard earned cash," Casey mumbled.

As they exited the courtroom Casey noticed the two Fed's cornering Trevor Langdon near the right hand side of the courtroom. She pointed for Melinda to leave and then stood next to the door to listen to Trevor.

"I'm doing the best I can with what I have. Oli- we can't convict someone who is unable to physically be in court or answer the questions that you need to be answered. Besides the jury isn't going to be prone to putting a coma patient in jail. Jesus Christ, give me a break already!"

Casey was almost pummeled as the door burst open and the two Fed's walked by her with suspicious glares.

Elliot gathered his things and watched Jackson being escorted by the prison guards. Jackson caught his eye and called to him. "Elliot."

The last thing Elliot wanted to do was talk to Jackson Zane, but he grabbed his coat and walked toward him. "Jackson Zane."

"How she?"

"Olivia is…," Elliot jolted with anger as he stood close to Jackson. The whole time he was taking in every feature of his face and comparing it to Anna's. The placement of Anna's eyes were similar... possibly, no they were definitely Olivia's eyes, but the hair could very well be his. Anna's hair was much darker than any of Elliot's and even Olivia's. Anna's face then morphed into Olivia's and he twitched to make it go away. He hated that his anger wasn't really aimed at Anna's biology but more towards Olivia giving herself to this man. He swallowed hard and held himself together. " She's…she's good. She's still unconscious, but breathing on her own. She's a strong woman. Any day now. She's going to be back any day now."

Jackson nodded and handed Elliot a piece of paper. "Good. Hey, will you send her my love?"

The touch of his hand made Elliot boil inside. He watched the prison guards take Jackson away and looked down at the note in his hand. "I will never give up the fight. Don't let them win. All my love, Your X man."

"Love?" Elliot crumbled up the paper and threw it in a nearby trashcan. "You piece of shit. You have not right to use that word. X-man. You're a mutant alright."

Elliot walked out of the building and caught Jackson being put into the police car. His eyes never left the back of Jackson's head. Every moment that he could see Zane's pretty boy figure was like a time bomb of jealous rage waiting to go off. He headed down the front steps and reached Casey and Melinda at the bottom. His jealousy had almost prevented him from speaking.

"What'd Jackson have to say?" Casey asked.

"Nothing. He just wanted to know how Olivia was. I told him the same."

Elliot followed Melinda, Casey, and Melinda's husband, Jarold, to the street, the whole time trying to shake the angry fear in the back of his mind. "Do you think the Fed's will push Olivia to testify in court when she wakes up?"

"Probably," Casey answered. "They're really enforcing this issue. It's almost obsessive. I mean, Jackson didn't even want to press charges. He was forced to, according to Trevor. The Fed's are all over Olivia's history. They think she's been falsely representing the system. I don't know where they could have gotten that idea. They act like she's some kind of terrorist."

"Why do you think Zane doesn't want to press charges," Elliot pushed.

"Because Olivia made his career," Melinda added. "When he gets out of jail every publisher in the United States is going to eat him up. He's already started writing."

"Huh," Elliot grunted. "If that's the case then why wouldn't he want to get out sooner rather than later? Why not just tell the fed's Olivia leaked it?"

"Do you want to see Olivia behind bars," Casey furrowed.

"Absolutely not, but Casey, we all know Olivia leaked that information. Why would Jackson cover for her unless…unless…there was something else going on."

"Like something personal, you mean," Melinda lightly finished.

"Yes," Elliot grumbled

Casey stopped walking and turned to him. "You got a problem with Jackson Zane?"

"Yeah, he's a rat. He used Olivia and now if Olivia ever does…get out of this…. His fabulous career is going to send her to jail while he's being made a martyr. He's trying to be the hero, but it's all at her expense. She let him walk all over her! If he loved her like he says then where's the fucking proof? Anybody can have sex. I can't believe she would do…he used her! "

Casey looked at Melinda and then back to Elliot. "El, I think you may be reading into things a little too much. I mean, when did Jackson say that he loved her?"

"He…he did. He just did. Oh, what the fuck does it matter if he's said it. Why am I the only one who sees what's happening here?"

"Elliot, maybe you should go home and take the night off. You're a little stressed."

"Casey, what would you know about stress? Screw you!"

"What is your deal?!"

"My deal," Elliot scoffed with attitude as he held up his hand. "My deal is that I'm playing father to a child that I wasn't even told about, Casey! How am I supposed to do this? What am I going to tell her when she asks me about her family? Who am I suppose to turn to when she needs to know about her heritage or when she needs her mother? I'm certainly not going to be calling him!"

"Elliot, you are being ridiculous. I've come across much bigger assholes than Jackson Zane. And you don't even know if he has anything to do with Olivia or Anna. Why don't you have the blood tests done and this will all be settled," Casey said in the calmest way she could. Olivia's patience was not something that Casey had ever been able to master.

"Because WHAT IF I'M NOT! What then?"

"Then you tell her that!"

"You think it's so easy! Have you ever had to explain a difficult relationship to a child before? Sorry Anna, I'm only your adopted dad because your mother ran from the truth and I was too cowardly to save her. Your real father is in jail and may want to meet you, but it's unlikely that he does, otherwise he'd have done so by now! If I'm so trustworthy, then why wasn't I told this from the horse's mouth? Why did I have to find out through the bloody remains of a friend and legal paperwork?!"

The conversation was already heated, but it was getting louder and louder. People on the street started to look at them like they were gonna miss something big if they didn't.

"So Olivia made a mistake. Don't we all? You of all people should know about mistaken pregnancies. Besides, you're the one who let her down to begin with. As soon as she left for Oregon you were all over Dani Beck. It's no wonder she didn't tell you. If you need to know who Anna's father is for peace of mind, that's one thing, but if you need to know who Anna's father is to prove that Olivia loves you, then you're worse off then I thought, Elliot Stabler. I don't know what Olivia's relationship with Jackson Zane was, because she never told me about it, but you know what she did talk about? You. All of the time. Why do you think her dates never pan out? You think her mother screwed her up that badly? She doesn't want anyone else, Elliot. She never has wanted anyone else, and if you could stop being so god damned insecure, and take your dick out of your ass, and everybody else's, for that matter, you'd find that it doesn't matter who Anna biologically belongs to, because as of today, she only will ever belong to you. And Olivia, made it that way for a reason. So instead of sulking about your hurt male ego, why don't you do yourself a favor and trust Olivia."

Elliot's face was red with frustrated anger. He paused in realization.

Casey flipped her hair to the side and nodded for Melinda and her husband to follow. "Stop being a hypocrite and have a little faith, Elliot. Have a little fucking faith!"

SCENE

**You are the light I follow.**

Elliot walked into the hospital room where Maureen, Kathleen, Dickie, and Elizabeth sat around Anna playing Candy Land next to Olivia's slowly breathing body.

**You are the face of a faith I love.**

Elliot watched her peacefully resting. His children's laughter came in and out of focus as he imagined Olivia's voice in his ear.

**Oh my darling, believe in me**

"Youhoo Daddy," Kathleen waved. "You wanna play?"

"Sure."

**You are the hymn I cover.**

"How is everybody, " he asked.

** You are the king of an Indian dove**

Dickie went on about his basketball game as Anna rolled the die. Elliot listened as he rubbed the back of Olivia's hand.

**Oh my darling the fever in me **

The square block rolling from Anna's hand fell to the floor and Elizabeth made an exaggerated sound causing Anna to laugh loudly.

"Super woman! You don't have to throw it that hard. Sheesh- we got a baseball player over here, I tell yeah."

Elizabeth crawled to pick up the die and handed it back to Anna, who threw it again, this time on purpose. Elizabeth did a slouchy gorilla move towards the die and lightly popped it onto the board.

Anna found this to be incredibly hilarious. The whole family laughed with her. This was the first time she'd made so much noise, since her arrival.

**You are the hope I cherish**

The average parent to his four-year-old would have normally stopped a game of toy throwing, but the whole Stabler family allowed it to happen. The sight of little Anna jumping and laughing was a small breakthrough.

**I wait for a while, I know**

Elliot let go of Olivia's hand, grabbed the die from the floor, and placed it on Anna's head.**  
**

**But I let it go, yes I let it go**

Anna looked up to try and see the die, and it fell behind her. She squealed with delight then turned and reached for it.

Her little shy face looked at Elliot and just as she was about to hand it to him she threw it high in the air. Everybody watched as it fell from the air and onto Olivia's stomach. Suddenly, the fits of laughter stopped. Anna gasped a bit and almost cried.

"Hey, it's okay," Elliot soothed as he grabbed her. "Mommy doesn't mind. Come here."

He lifted her up to the bed and touched Olivia's hand. "She wanted to play too. It's okay. Can you reach the die? Get the die and say 'Sorry, mommy, maybe next time.'"

**You are the care of a prayer I love**

Anna's almost tears faded and she climbed over Olivia's body, reached for the die, and very softly and sweetly said ", sorry, mummy. Nes time."

Maureen grabbed Kathleen's arm. The group of them froze with silent excitement. Tears came to Maureen's eyes. And then as Elliot placed Anna on the ground he kissed her forehead and felt the movement touch his hand.

**Oh my darling believe in me**

Olivia's fingers moved in his light grip.

"Olivia?"

Her eyes twitched and her fingers wiggled for a second time. Elliot rubbed her hand and waited. Olivia was still again but he couldn't let that movement go.

"Daddy, what's wrong," Maureen said reaching for Anna.

Elliot kneeled beside the bed and kissed her hand. "Liv, honey, I'm right here."

Her eyes twitched again and she sucked in a quick breath of air as if she'd just come to.

Everyone stood next to the bed. Anna clung to Maureen. Elizabeth grabbed Kathleen's hand. Elliot touched the side of Olivia's head and slowly she opened her eyes.

**Believe in me.**

**AN: And chapter over. Yeah you all hate me I know. Pitch forks and all. blah blah blah. Drop me some love. Tell me what you don't want to see happen. **


	15. Blood Coffee

**AN: My husband keeps bugging me, so I blame him for any weird grammatical errors. Talk about a talker. I just can't read this chapter again. My A.D.D. is spent. So if anything seems out of line, let me know. But I did enjoy writing this chapter. It's a little long. Why do I take so long to get to my point? Damn, I must talk too much too. Between the two of use - we're a bunch of regular chatty mules. he hehuh. Mules! That's funny. The song is "Spoon" by Dave Matthews and Alanis Morisette.  
**

**Blood Coffee**

Casey and Fin sat in a café right outside of the mental help facility that Charlie was now living in. Casey visited as often as she could and brought Charlie anything that he needed. She sat across from Fin sipping on a coffee and telling him about how she and Charlie met.

"So basically I went out with him because he beat me at beer pong and I was wasted. But he never took advantage of me that night, which is why I think I trusted him."

Fin nodded and glanced at the brown liquid in his coffee mug. "Sounds like you two had a lot of fun back in the day."

**Spoon in spoon**

**Stirring my coffee**

**I thought of you**

**And turned your way**

"I feel like I'm blabbering on and on. So, Fin…how's life? Did you need to talk or do you just like following red heads around in your spare time?"

He coolly laughed and rearranged himself in the big cushy café armchair. "I…had nothing better to do and thought you might have needed to talk about the trial today. That's all, really."

Casey watched his nervous body language from behind her large blue coffee mug. "Really," she smiled and sat up to stare him in the eye. "Now I know you didn't drive all the way from Manhattan to sit in this yuppy café in New Jersey to talk about court."

"Yeah, so what if I didn't?"

"I'd then have to question _your_ mental health."

"Why's that," he said sitting forward to get closer to her face.

"Because you either really enjoy visiting my ex-boyfriend or you're chasing the wrong woman. Either way, you're crazy."

Fin smiled and held her gaze.

"**Well, maybe I'm crazy**

**But laughing out loud**

**Makes it all pass by.**

Besides, why are you the wrong woman?"

Casey nervously smiled back at him then turned her face away from his cool gaze. "I come with old maid syndrome and a history of bad luck in the men department, Fin. You are much to nice of a guy to deal with that, and you deserve better."

"Woman, I got a kid and a mean ex-wife. Your baggage is carry-on luggage compared to that. Look at me."

Casey lifted her face to his, but kept blinking her eyes to the ground.

"Casey, what's wrong with us trying this for real?"

"It wouldn't work, Fin. We come from different worlds."

"What's that suppose to mean? "

"Fin, I've never been with a guy like you. I wouldn't know where to even begin."

He touched her hand and she pulled it away.

"I don't get you. What's this really about?"

"Fin, come on, we're …too different. It would be fun at first, but it's not realistic."

"Is this because I'm black?"

"No! No…Fin, god that's...- I thought you knew me better than that. I mean, it's not completely off, I guess…but, god how do I explain this..."

"If it's not because I'm black, then what is it?"

"What about your family, Fin? What about my family? And your weekend friends? How am I going to fit into that picture? You would hate my father."

Fin slid back in his chair scrapping the legs against the floor. "So you don't mind fucking around with a black guy, but you wouldn't take me home to your daddy."

**And on my way**

**Crack lightning and thunder**

**I hid my head**

**And the storm slipped away**

Casey hunched over hiding her face. "Fin, no…it's…I mean, yes my family would be surprised, but that's not why I don't think that we would ever work. "

"Casey, I'm not dating your father."

"And I've yet to be dating you. Fin, let's not do this. I only think of you as a friend. And besides, I'm not interested in a relationship right now, and I'm leaving it at that."

"Bull shit. Eight years of interrogating professional liars and a lifetime of analyzing women, I know the difference between friendship and a bigger connection. What are you afraid of?"

Casey looked into Fin's hopeful angry eyes and couldn't respond. He could see her struggling and he leaned closer to her and pulled her hands towards him. "Casey, I know we come from different back grounds. I know you make more money than me, and your family is wealthy. I also know that no matter how hard I try, I could never be those kinds of things for you, but at the end of the day, I don't care about all of that crap, and deep down, I don't think you do either. Who cares what your father thinks about my ghetto upbringing and my $5,000 paycheck. I don't. I've never met a woman who could hit a baseball out of the park in high heels and win a record-breaking number of trials in the courtroom, all in the same day. I've never met a woman who laughed at my bad one-liners and knew all the words to every Biggie Smalls song ever made. That's including the ladies I've dated from my neighborhood. Stop being rational and give me a chance."

Casey didn't want to admit it, but her walls were slowly fading with every word out of Fin's mouth. By the time he got to the end of his outburst she was inches from his lips and her eyes were half closed. She briefly got a hold of herself and lowly spoke towards his mouth. "That's the thing about rationality, Fin, I have a real addiction for it."

Fin's voice fell to a whisper. "For a woman who isn't interested, you sure are close to kissing me."

"Yeah… and for a guy who's interested in kissing you, you sure are taking a long fucking time to do it already," she whispered back.

They both smiled and hesitantly nuzzled over the tiny coffee table between them. Fin's leg hit the side of the table spilling some of the coffee from his mug. Casey silently laughed at him as he wiped his hand on a napkin with an insolent grin on his face.

**And maybe we're a little crazy**

**laughing out loud**

**Makes it all alright**

Fin grabbed her hands and pulled her lips to his. It was sweet and confident. Had they not been in public, Casey may have melted into a puddle of white chocolate at his feet. Fin knew exactly how to control her, and as submissive as that may have seemed to the average feminist career woman, Casey didn't give a shit. She would have handed Fin the cuffs, the keys, the apron, and the permission to use any and all of those things to his advantage. His hand slid up her arm and rested on her waist right under her under wire bra. The sensation of his hungry fingers ran small chills up Casey's spin. His lips pulled her into him soft and smooth as his thumb grazed the curve of her bra. The touch was more of a tease then anything and she was slightly upset that bras were so heavily padded these days.

Neither one of them wanted to stop until they realized that several people around them were starting to cough and complain. They opened their eyes and Fin shot the computer geek next to them a cold glare and a badass nod.

"You got a problem?"

"No," he wheezed.

Fin stood up to invite Casey to his apartment, when both of their cell phones went off.

"That's never good," Casey said clicking her phone open.

"Casey Novak"

"Munch, what's up"?

"….Mauree? Oh my god, we'll be there. I'll be there."

She and Fin both closed their phones.

"Liv is-"

"Yeah, let's get out of here," Fin said grabbing Casey's briefcase and heading for the door.

SCENE

Olivia took one look at the group of Stabler's and a weak wrinkled stare came over her eyes. "Where am I," she whispered almost inaudibly.

"Liv, you had an accident," Elliot said. "Maureen, go get her some water and the nurse. Liv, do you remember who I am?"

She weakly looked up at him in horror and attempted to move her head. "Ow, moving hurts," she winced.

"I know, sweetheart, just relax, you've been in a coma for almost two months. We're getting the doctor."

Her eyes turned red and she started to cry. Kathleen held a cup of water and a straw out for Elliot to take and he placed it next to her mouth. "Here, Liv, have some of this water. It will help."

She started to sip and cry at the same time. When she finished she chocked on her tears and looked up at Elliot. "Where am I?"

Elliot pushed back her hair and wiped the tears from her face with a tissue. "Sweetheart, you're in a hospital. I'm Elliot."

"Elliot?"

"your…I worked with you for eight years. I'm your…your best friend."

"My body hurts."

"I know. I know."

The nurse then entered the room and the crew of Stablers were asked to leave. Elliot stayed to be with Olivia. He stood next to her, unsure about touching her. She was a little out of it.

As the hours ticked by the crowd of detectives and ADA's grew large in the waiting room. Elliot finally came out to give them an update. Simon was the first to stand up.

"How is she?"

"She's going to pull through this. She's good. She's not really up for visitors tonight. I'd say try tomorrow, during your breaks, maybe tomorrow night. As for her health, the doctor says she seems to have all of her nerves in tacked and once they start on physical therapy she should be home in two weeks possibly."

"That's the best news I've heard in months, " Cragen sighed.

Munch stood with his arms crossed. "How's her mind?"

"Fuzzy," Elliot said wearily. "She doesn't remember who I am, but the doctor says that's normal and should clear up. Hopefully."

Simon and his wife went back to say goodnight to Olivia, before leaving, since he was the only blood relative she had. The rest of the small crowd all hugged Elliot goodbye. There were some happy tears and a few long hugs of relief. At one point Elliot felt as though he were supporting them instead of the other way around. He watched Fin and Casey leave last. Fin's arm was casually resting on the small of her back and the gesture reminded him of Olivia. He couldn't wait to have her standing next to him so that he could casually place his hand on the small of her anything.

Maureen broke his thoughts. "Dad, I'm going to take the crew home. You want me to take Anna home tonight?"

Anna was passed out in her arms. "That would be wonderful, if you could. Thanks, baby," he said kissing her forehead. "I love you."

"I love you too Daddy."

"Katie, Beth, Dickie, kiss me. I love you. I'll call you."

They each said their goodbyes and left. Elliot shuffled back to the hospital room and two men in black suits stood at the door.

"What's going on," Elliot spoke as he neared them. "She's not in any shape to talk about your case, so you're wasting your time. She doesn't even know her name."

The tallest man held his hand out to Elliot. "Hi, Jack Turner. We're actually not here to speak with Olivia Benson. We have a warrant to get a blood sample from Anna Cabot."

"What? Wha…what do you mean? What's going on?"

Jack handed Elliot the blue warrant. "You're Anna's legal guardian, is that correct?"

"Yes, but, what does she have to do with your investigation?"

"She's the product of a relationship, Detective. She proves that Olivia and Jackson Zane were sharing more than 'non-comments' with each other."

"And under what grounds were you given permission for this information?"

The tall man held out a picture of Olivia and Anna. "This was on Jackson's wall. Also, Captain Don Cragen told us that Olivia Benson was given maternity leave shortly after Jackson's arrest. All records show that Anna's father is anonymous. Having her DNA will answer that question and clear up a lot of unresolved evidence. We'll need you to bring the girl in by 9am tomorrow morning."

Elliot was looking into the man's face, but his vision was blurred, as he got lost in his thoughts.

"Mr. Stabler, are we clear?"

"No."

"Detective, let's not make this any harder than it already is."

"No, you can't have that test done without Olivia's permission."

"According to that piece of paper, ah, we can. You know the rules Stabler. 9am. Capeesh?"

"Yeah," he faintly replied.

With that they walked away leaving Elliot defeated and hardened in the empty hallway. Nurse Laverne walked out of Olivia's room. "Hey, Sugar, you're girl is looking good. She's a feisty one."

He didn't answer the nurse. Instead he looked in at Simon holding Olivia's hand. She looked a little hazy, but content, now that the drugs kicked in.

"You alright. You look like you just saw a ghost."

"Tell Simon I'll be by tomorrow."

**From time to time,**

**Minutes and hours**

**Some move ahead while**

**Some lag behind**

**It's like the balloon that**

**Rise and then vanish**

**This drop of hope**

**That falls from his eyes**

SCENE

Elliot knocked on Cragen's door. It was 1:30 am. He could hear his voice getting closer and closer.

"I'm coming. I'm coming. Hang on a second."

The door whipped open. "Elliot."

"I need to talk."

"Sure, come in."

Cragen put on a fresh pot of coffee and offered Elliot a chair at the kitchen table. Elliot dropped the blue warrant on the table for Cragen to see. "Why didn't you tell me Olivia left the precinct for five months because of this?"

Cragen looked at the pages on the table then looked up at Elliot with sad eyes. "She wanted it that way. It wasn't my place."

"How far along was she, when she left? Four months, Three months?"

"Four."

"You're sure of that?"

"Ah…maybe. She said she was due in august."

"But Anna was born in July. So was she due at the beginning or the end of August?"

"I…I don't know."

Elliot angrily stood up and pushed over the kitchen chair.

"Elliot, stop! You can't be angry at her for this!"

"If she fucked him, she should be fired. You don't sleep with the enemy and you DON'T sleep with a journalist!"

"Elliot, calm down! Technically, you shouldn't have slept with her either, and had I known, I would have fired you both."

Elliot leaned over and picked up the chair. He slouched at the table with his head in his hands. "What am I suppose to do? Do you think she even knows who the father is? The Fed's are going to incarcerate her before she has a chance to realize she even has a daughter."

"Elliot, it's out of your hands at this point."

Cragen poured a cup of coffee in front of him and handed him a spoon. He looked down at the steam rising from the dark liquid and wished he could have been the one in the coma.

**Spoon in spoon**

**Stirring my coffee**

**I think of this**

**And turn to go away**

**But as I walk**

**There are voices behind me saying:**

**"Sinners sin, come now and play."**

"Do you think Jackson knows?"

"I don't know."

"Do you think if he knows he'd pull a stunt like this for publicity?"

"No. Elliot, he's been sitting in jail for four years, why would he so suddenly have a change of heart now if he knew?"

SCENE

Elliot lifted Anna from Maureen's bed and got her ready for the day. The sun barely touched the morning sky. He hadn't slept all night. They got in the car and headed to Riker's.

They sat behind the glass window as Jackson walked into the room. He looked at both of them a little funny and then lifted the receiver.

"Elliot."

"Do you know?"

"Know what?"

Anna sat on Elliot's lap holding a doll and looking up at Jackson with the largest brown doe eyes he'd ever seen.

"Do you know who this is?"

"I know her, yeah. That's Olivia's niece. She's in the picture Olivia sent to me. The Fed's are all over that picture. Why? What does she have to do with this?"

Elliot looked down at Anna and back up at Zane who earnestly remained clueless behind the pain. "Jackson, this isn't Olivia's niece."

"Oh," he said in confusion.

Elliot didn't say anything. He didn't really mentally prepare himself for this kind of a conversation.

Jackson waited and then said awkwardly ", Okay."

"Jackson, did you and Olivia…"

Jackson dropped the phone from his ear and looked at Anna who was now humming to herself and making her doll walk on the ledge in front of Elliot.

After a moment he lifted the receiver back up to his ear. "What are you getting at, Stabler?"

"Jackson, if you have any reason to believe she's related to you, I hope you have a damn good way to clear yourself, because you see this," Elliot said placing the blue warrant onto the glass. "They're using her blood to convict Olivia. Jackson, tell me you didn't do this to Olivia."

"I didn't know. I swear, after it happened we both agreed it was not a compatible relationship and it was never brought up again. This… this isn't happening."

Jackson slammed the phone down and Anna jumped. Her eyes grew red and she began to cry.

"Oh! Oh, no, little girl. What's her name?," Jackson pleaded.

Elliot shot Jackson a death glare and lifted Anna off of the floor.

"I didn't mean…I'm sorry. Don't cry," Jackson waved from behind the glass.

He lifted the phone one more time and Elliot ended the conversation through the cries. "You better think of a good story, Zane. Get her off the hook or I will personally erase any and all that is the bane of your existence."

Elliot dropped the phone and left the room. His stress level was boiling to a high temperature as he held Anna tightly. Everyone in the prison from the guards to the visitors watched Elliot as he quickly made his way to the car carrying Anna's screaming little body with him. He placed Anna in the front seat, closed the door, and knelt beside the car taking in deep breaths of air and releasing some of his held back emotions as Anna cried loudly behind the car door.

**Holding….I'm still Holding. I'm still falling…falling. **

**Crosses cross hung out like a wet rag**

**Forgive you? Why?**

**You hung me out to dry**

SCENE

The hospital was busy. Patients and attendants weaved past each other. Elliot walked like he was on his way to death. His feet flapped heavily down the hallway. Anna sucked her thumb next to his shoulder and held her doll tightly around the neck.

"We go visit mommy," she said as they walked towards Melinda's office.

"Not right now, sweety. How strong is my girl this morning?"

"Strong," she growled.

He kissed her on the cheek and smiled. "That's my girl. We're gonna take a strong test. You and me, okay. It's the kind of test that only super strong heroes can take. I feel like beign a super hero today. How about you?"

Anna took in every word with bright eyes and nodded with excitement.

They rounded the corner and were greeted by Jack Turner, his silent partner, and Melinda.

"Elliot, I was just getting ready to call you," Jack smiled.

Elliot ignored him and placed Anna on Melinda's counter. "Let's do this."

"Morning, Anna," Melinda smiled. "I'm gonna take some blood from you today. Just borrowing, nothing big."

"I already told her. She's ready to be strong. Is that right, big girl?"

Anna growled again, then giggled at her own silliness. It was a game that Elliot and her played every so often when she was having a bad day.

"Oh yeah! I don't know if you can handle her, Melin, she's a regular wild woman! Let me see your guns, Anna."

Elliot flexed his arm, and Anna copied him and laughed.

"Nice muscle, super girl," Melinda smiled as she brought over the needle. "Okay, you keep looking at Elliot-"

"Daddy," Elliot corrected.

"Daddy? Daddy, while I take the test."

"Huang, says we shouldn't confuse her any further than we have to. With the name…mommy…daddy thing."

"No need to explain. Just wasn't sure."

Anna nervously looked down at Melinda's hand. "It's a quick pinch, strong girl. Show Daddy your muscle again."

The scream and the jolt came shortly after the pinch. Elliot held onto her as best he could, while Melinda took the blood.

Melinda then grabbed a band-aid and a lollipop and handed them to Elliot as he rubbed Anna's trembling back.

Jack stepped towards Elliot, who was bee lining it for the hallway. "Thank you for your cooperation. I know this is difficult, but it's necessary. And you truly are an honest man to take in a child all on your own like this."

Elliot walked right passed him without so much of a blink. Had Anna not been in his arms he may have thrown out a few punches, but now that he was halfway down the hall he was glad his fist was clear of all Federal contact.

The elevator doors opened and Elliot jumped in and stopped on Olivia's floor. When they got there she was sitting up, reading Elliot's letters, and crying into a tissue.

"Elliot…Anna…"

"Hey, look who's sitting up, big A."

Anna blushed and whispered into Elliot's ear. "That's mommy."

"That's right," he smiled.

Elliot touched Olivia's hand and brought it to his lips. "How are you?"

"You did this for me, everyday?"

"Yep. Liv, I love you."

She sobbed and her shaky hand grabbed at her head.

"Mommy, don't cry. I'm strong," Anna said as she crawled onto the bed and showed Olivia her band-aid.

Olivia laughed and weakly lifted her hand to touch Anna's face. "You are, pretty girl."

"Anna, give mommy a kiss for me," Elliot said as he sat on the edge of the bed.

Anna jammed her fingers into her mouth out of embarrassment. Shyly she wiggled her way to Olivia's lips and gave her a big slobbering kiss. Then she looked at Elliot and hid her face on his leg.

"What's the matter wild woman, cat get your tongue again?"

"No," she squeaked while punching his leg.

Olivia's head was being held up by her bed. She strained her head to look down at Anna peaking at her through the crack of her hand.

Elliot and Olivia smiled at each other and then Elliot helped Anna off of the bed. "Go play. I want to talk to mommy."

She immediately skipped over to the toys he kept for her in Olivia's room.

"How do you feel," Elliot asked.

"Better. Tired," she swallowed as she watched Anna feed her doll a bottle.

"Did you get any visitors yet?"

"Yes."

"Who?"

"Ahh…I..I, oh, I don't remember now. Pretty woman, red hair. Big guy. Leather jacket."

"Fin and Casey."

"Yeah, that sounds right. She found your letters in the drawer," Olivia yawned. "Brought them over for me to read. Do I love you, Elliot?"

Elliot's eyes smiled and he touched her lifeless hand. "I sure hope so."

**From hand to hand,**

**Wrist to the elbow**

**Red blood sand**

**Could Dad be God?**

Elliot lightly touched the sensitive bone on her wrist and followed its' line to her arm. He ran his fingers up and down her skin and she closed her eyes releasing a relaxed smile from her weary face.

He looked at the clock and wished he would never have to know anything more than what he knew now. Just him, Olivia, and their Anna taking one day at time. Nothing more. Nothing less. Just life.

**Spoon in spoon**

**Stirring my coffee**

**I thought of you**

**And turned to the gate**

**And on my way came up with the answers**

**I scratched my head**

"Elliot, I finished the tests," Melinda said as she stood in the doorway watching Elliot softly watching Olivia sleep. "Do you want to know, or is this a bad time?"

"Depends on the answer," Elliot said without looking up from Olivia's face.

"You know, I think I'll let you have your moment. We can talk later."

He sighed and got up from the bed. "Melinda, if you can't tell me right now, then I already know the answer."

Melinda nodded and handed him the paperwork. "I'm sorry, El. She's not yours."

**And the answers were gone**

**AN: You are not allowed to hate me. I made this part of the story long before I got your "Please let it be Elliot" reviews, and I could have changed it, but I'm not sure where it would have gone. I mean, I would have had to re think the whoel rest of the story. Anyway, pitch fork me. Ouch! Yikes! Poops! Ok- do you feel better. NO. Well...too bad. OH hey NBC blog guy- finally updated his damn blog. There are cool pictures now. It's fun! **


	16. Better

**AN: I heard this song and had to write. That and I'm seriously tryign to kill time. So it's a little cute one for yeah. "Before I ever knew better" by Sara Bareilles I changed like two of the words to make it fit, but I don't think Sara will mind.**

**Better**

"Should we add some red," Olivia smiled.

Anna sat nestled in Olivia's arm on the hospital bed. A tablet of paper lay over their laps and Olivia's fingers were covered in finger paint. Anna held her hand and dipped it into the red paint.

"Yes," she chirped. "Red."

Olivia helped her get the paint on her finger and then Anna pushed Olivia's hand around on the page.

"Oh, this is going to be a great painting, I can tell. Daddy's going to like it, don't you think so?"

"Mmmhmm," she nodded assertively as she stayed in her own world and smiled at the brightly colored swirls under Olivia's hand.

Olivia watched her little mouth hang open as she concentrated on the page. Her memory was starting to become more clearer as the days went by, but she wondered how she could ever have allow herself to miss such a wonderful thing as this. The thought of giving up her role as a mother made her heart skip a few beats and she forced herself to push those hurtful thoughts to the back of her mind. Very lightly Olivia kissed Anna on the head. "I love you."

"Me too. Done," she stated carelessly.

Anna then smashed her painted hand into Olivia's palm and patted it until all of the red mixed with the other colors and turned a dirty shade of brown. Olivia took her forefinger and poked Anna's little nose leaving a red spot on the tip.

"Got yeah," She laughed.

"Hey," Anna squealed wiping the paint from her face only to add more to her nose and cheeks.

Olivia let out a wholesome laugh and hugged Anna to her side. "My turn," Olivia smiled holding her nose out for Anna to paint.

Anna looked at her like she was nuts.

"Go ahead. Give me a red nose."

Her little finger dipped into the red paint and sloppily smashed Olivia's nose in. Anna laughed and laughed as Olivia puffed her cheeks out and crossed her eyes making silly faces.

The finger paint was about to get out of control when Elliot walked into the room with his coat and a stack of files. "What's going on in here?"

Anna was about to smear Olivia's face with red paint when she turned to see Elliot's stern expression. "Where's Maureen," he said.

"It's Friday. I told her to go out and have fun," Olivia answered as she took that moment to tickle Anna with her clean hand and hold her tightly in an embrace with the other. She rocked Anna back and forth and looked up at Elliot with a happiness he hadn't seen from her in a long time…and a red nose. "Don't mind us, Dad, we're just clown'n around. Aren't we Anna banana?"

Elliot dropped his things and kissed both of his special lady's on the head. "You look good today. Well, your make up is a little odd, but I can go with it."

"I do feel good today. Doctor said I could go home tomorrow if I wanted to."

Elliot grabbed a wet napkin and wiped Anna's hands off while Olivia wiped her own hand with the paper towel she tucked under the finger paint set.

"That's great," Elliot sighed.

"What's wrong? I thought you'd be happy about that."

"I am."

Elliot watched Anna curl up in Olivia's arms and he couldn't bring himself to talk about anything remotely negative or realistic. Everything was finally starting to come together and he knew it was only a matter of time until the fed's came knocking at their door. Instead of dwelling on the unpredictable future, he smiled and wiped her nose with his finger. "You missed a spot."

"Oh, yes, thank you."

Anna starred at Olivia and poked at her face with a few of her now clean fingers. "Mommy is beautiful."

"She sure is," Elliot said shaking the bed playfully. "Move over, I'm getting jealous of all the love giggles going on in this half of the hospital."

Elliot lifted the picture from their laps and squirreled his way around Anna and Olivia. Anna looked like a little pea squished in between them on the small bed.

"You to big," she wiggled.

"Gimmie a kiss. I missed you," he said holding his lips out in a silly fashion.

She giggled and kissed him. Olivia loved watching him with her. She almost cried thinking about the two of them together like this. Anna wiggled her way down the bed as Elliot tickled her and then she jumped off. He laughed at Anna's lighthearted stubbornness and rolled back in the bed with his face towards Olivia.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing is wrong. I…was just thinking."

"That's dangerous," Elliot joked.

But Olivia's face stayed serious. She played with the necklace around her collarbone and looked up at the ceiling. "What happened to Richard White?"

Elliot glanced at Anna who was peeking her head up from the side of the bed and then ducking when he looked at her. "Anna, have you shown Mommy the light bright yet?"

She popped up and shook her head. Elliot pointed to the Light Bright box in the corner. "Why don't you make us a Light Bright picture?"

Anna looked at the box and back to Elliot. Without objection she skipped over to the box and started pulling everything out. "She loves that thing."

"You're so good with her," Olivia whispered. "I knew you would be."

Elliot paused unsure how far to take that. "She's easy to love. She looks just like you," he said looking her straight in the eye.

Olivia turned away with redness in her eyes.

He watched her think for a second and then looked up at the ceiling too. "Richard White was shot by one of the snipers. We caught him about six blocks from your accident and cornered him."

"Elliot, I wanted her to be yours…."

Elliot froze in his own goose bumps.

"Deep down, I wished I'd had made this mistake with you. I'm sorry if that sounds wrong, but you were always on my mind. Through everything. The night that we...I had just found out that morning...and I irresponsibly allowed my fear to take things too far. I shouldn't have even drank that wine, but I was hoping that it would all just go away. That's real brave of me, I know. Real hypocritical, coming from a product of rape."

Fat tears rolled down her face and Elliot rubbed her hand unable to speak, but feeling terrible about her turmoil.

"I just wanted you to take it all away like I knew you could. I wanted you, Elliot, not some guy that would only slightly compare to you. And I should have told you but I was too ashamed. I didn't even like Jackson. Not like that anyway. He was there and I was lonely... I know it's not an excuse, but I needed more. I wanted more. I didn't have the strength to wait for my life to fit with yours, and then it backfired and I choked." She squeezed his hand and closed her eyes. "I tried to tell you,"she whispered. "God, I wanted to. When I came back I wanted to fix what we left and I was going to tell you. I wanted to start over and make everything right…but everything was different."

Elliot remained quiet. His hand was still. She couldn't take his stiffness any longer and turned on her side to looked at him. "Are things still different?"

He took in her face. The gap that had forced its' way into their lives was so wide that having this conversation was like a dream to him. They'd gone through so much over the past four years, but most of it happened while they were separated. The peacefulness of finally being together was something to bask in, and yet, what exactly does one say to patch up the space between love and lost time? Elliot looked inside Olivia for the answers. He searched her eyes to make sure she was really with him and very softly he spoke under the sounds of little Anna's humming.

"**Don't know where to put you anymore. **

**You can't be kept inside my dresser drawer. **

**I find the pieces of you in my dreams **

**and in the evening.**

**Spill out the edge of my mind **

**memories of you feel like they're miles wide **

**It's all I can do to get to the other side **

**of these evenings."**

Olivia touched his worn face. Somehow she knew he wasn't about to judge her or scorn her. Her mind was clear with visions of that one night they had. It was a night that she thought about often. **"I see you tonight in the back of my mind. I remembered your skin. I remembered it then. You dressed me in white. The look in your eyes. You'd love me forever. Before I ever knew better."**

"**I can see myself by your side."** Elliot kissed her fingers.

"**I see nobody else."** Olivia nuzzled his nose with hers.

"**Nobody's perfect but I'm perfectly happy bringing this love down off the shelf ."**

Elliot looked over at Anna, who played in her own world. Slowly he reached down and pulled the covers over them. Olivia's soft lips were all he wanted and he brought his to meet them ever so gently. His hand touched her bare leg and he ran his hand up her thigh and towards the beginning of her underwear.

**Until I see you tonight in the back of my mind. **

Olivia let out a quiet sigh as he kissed her neck and teased the soft part of her leg and hipbone.

**I remembered you skin.**

**I remembered it then.**

She forced his hand to stop at her wet opening and he pulled away from her neck.

**Dress me in white.**

The light peeked through the white sheets over her face. She was everything he wanted. Very smoothly he slid his finger inside of her and watched her face silently moan for more.

**The look in your eyes. **

She grabbed his face and his shoulders while he controlled her from the inside out.

"**Will you love me forever**," she whispered.

He stopped and warmly smiled. "**I loved you before I ever knew better."**

Elliot pulled her into his kiss. The rhythm of his tongue and lips to hers flowed like an endless piano. Meticulously he fondled her under the sheets until she shivered and twitched in his arms.

When she stopped he pulled his hand out of her as she breathlessly clung to his body.

"**You know I'll love you forever."**

"**I'll love you forever,"** Olivia smiled.

They stayed in their cocoon of sheets until they realized that Anna had stopped humming. Elliot gave Olivia a look and they both lifted the sheet to see Anna's big brown eyes peeking up at them from the corner of the bed. "Daddy, I'm done." She held the Light Bright up. Pink and red plastic electric shown towards them in the shape of a heart.

Elliot and Olivia looked at each other and laughed. Elliot leaned his lips towards hers and held her close to him, then he turned his face and reached for Anna's hand.

**Let's live like we never knew better.**

**We Never knew better.**

**AN: Ok I'm done writing shit and I still need to kill time before my next gig. Damn. Ok talky time. Three and a HALF more days to Season 9! Who else is going insane?! There are way too many crazy ass rumors going around. I can't decide which ones could be real or not. AHK! Stupid rumor people. That and I'm just way too excited to handle teasers. **

**Also DEXTER is back next Sunday. Dexter is the only Crime show that can surprise me these days. Now, that may change, now that I know their patterns, but it was nice to be surprised finally! The only that is weird about that show is the sister. She's like a manly skelitore woman. I think they shoudl fire her and hire me. I would play that role much better and I dont' look like a man. **

**This is the best week for TV ever! You get - Weeds, SVU, My name is Earl, Scrubs, and DEXTER! AHHHH!  
**

**It's funny because I really don't watch that much Television. I have like 4 shows that I watch obsessively and Earl and Scrubs I watch if and when I'm home. But when my obsession shows are new and back - I get like a little hyper hypo and make a big deal about it. **

**I'm so glad Weeds started already otherwise I may have exploded with needing new good television. LOVE WEEDS! Who else loves weeds? I do! Mary Louise Parker, Elizabeth Perkins, Steve Nealon- In the world of comedy- that is the best cast ever!- How the heck does that damn Ugly Betty show keep winning all of the comedy awards. That show- as far as I can tell- Only saw one episode- SUCKS! It's like a long version of "The Devil Wears Prada" Which also...SUCKED! Sorry, if you liked it, but I have to tell you- in case you didn't know, that movie SUCKED! If Meryl Streep hadn't done that movie, it would have TANKED like all of the other predictable Chick flics. And Mary Louise Parker so deserved the Emmy. SOB.  
**

**But you know what is funny? have you seen the Mexico's version of "Ugly Betty"? It's hilarious! I hav eno idea what they are saying, but I almost peed my pants watching it. I was buying some tacos at a little tacoreia and they had it on. The set is like somebody's poorly built apartment building and there is this hot Mexican dude with blonde hair and then ugly Betty dances in. It's hilarious! I implore you to google it and try to watch an episode- or even the opening credits, because the opening credits were the best part. ** ** I should be a TV teacher. I'm already giving out homework. OK go! Write me a review or talk or both or do whatever. It's fun either way!**


	17. Silence

A**N: Wow- it's been a long time. I am so so sorry! I've been smoken' busy and I had no motivation and then busy. It's nuts. Anyway- um- since all of the a-hole duschbags that only watch SVU for the crimes are getting their way so far this season- There has been NOOOO EO in Season 9 yet. This makes me cranky. So after reading Mariposa's awesome fanfic and then being semi- disappointed by "No EO" I just had to finish this chapter already.**

** For those of you that read this but dont' remember what's going on- Here's an update. Liv had Jackson Zane's baby and she's being watched by the Fed's for leaking the anthrax info to the press. They are re-opening the case because of new evidence that Richard White sent to them. Richard White is dead. They shot him when he hit Olivia with a car. Liv was in a coma and Elliot got custody of Anna (Liv's little girl) So there is a whole conflicted- Elliot got attached and thought he was the daddy- thing happening. But Liv is now out of the coma, Elliot knows he's not the daddy, and in the last scene the doctor's said she could go home.**

**Hope that's helpful!!!**

**Also- this is suppose to be a SONG FIC with a through line, but in this chapter...it's silent. Too silent ...brew ha ha ha.**

**Silence**

"I want to talk," Jackson said from behind the metal table.

Jack Turner, the over muscled FBI agent, pushed a chair from the other side of the room next to Jackson and made himself comfortable. "Glad to see you're waking up to reality, Zane."

"That's-," Jackson wanted to go off on Turner's offensive comment, but even in the middle of a freedom of speech war you had to hold yourself back every so often. He shook his head and looked away from Jack Turner's devious smile.

"…So talk," Turner pressed.

Jackson was disgusted by Turner's attitude. He slowly bore a hole through him and then began ", I tricked Olivia into giving me the information."

"All right and how did you manage that? And don't tell me it was your charming smile."

Zane's face fell slack with anger. He did his best to ignore Turner's button pushing and went straight to the confession. "I made her invite me up to her apartment. She promised me an interview on the Katrina girls, so I took her to dinner. It was very professional. I pushed her to give me more information about the Anthrax and when she wouldn't, I decided to try a different tactic. I drove her home, and asked if I could use her bathroom. Once inside, I talked her into a glass of wine and I drugged her. After she passed out I went through her briefcase and stole all of the information from Michael Delbit's case file. It was printed in my column the next morning and Olivia never knew otherwise."

"That's a pretty elaborate story, Zane. Why didn't she turn you in?"

"She didn't know. I left a very eloquent note saying that I had a wonderful time and that I hoped she would call me for a second date when her exhausting schedule cleared up. She thought she'd just fallen asleep."

Jack Turner smiled and wrote down everything Zane had to say as if this information were a breakthrough. "An eloquent note? Wow, you must be one hell of a writer."

His arms were crossed and he smiled. "Well, I didn't win two Pulitzer's for nothing."

"You think you're something else, don't you Zane?"

"I think nothing of myself. I am merely one small step to gaining the freedom that our forefathers wanted us to have back."

"Don't you think Olivia would have known something was up when she saw your name on that article?"

Zane held his ground and tilted an eyebrow is a teasing manner. "I can't speak for Olivia, but maybe she was having a stroke of democracy herself and ignored the papers accuracy."

Jack Turner then withdrew a file from his briefcase and threw Anna's DNA results at Jackson's chest. "Okay, so she ignored the almost plagiarized article. But tell me how she ignored this?

Jackson blinked as he processed the information and dropped the page. The paper spilled out of his hands and onto the floor.

"Explain that to me, Zane," Turner smiled.

"I can't…I didn't…How did you…when did you…"

"This morning, right before you're fine performance here."

Zane's head fell forward as he racked his brain. "Okay, so we had sex."

"You had sex? Was that before or after you drugged her?"

"God, what do you think I am a…sicko? Jesus."

"No. You're no sicko, Zane. You're a pompous piece of shit, who likes to waste my time. You may think you're one smooth guy, but I know Olivia Benson, and she wouldn't let date rape drugs slide. I don't care how pretty your face is and I don't give a damn about your Pulitzer ass fuck award. Cut the crap and give me the non-fiction version of your story."

Jackson let out a grunt and pushed at the table. "Arh! Mm…alright, it was more than professional, but I still took the information without her knowledge of it."

"Stop play'n me Zane! Do I look like a puppet hired by the Bush administration?! Tell me who gave you that information!"

Jack Turner was right in Zane's face. He was forcing the truth out one blink at a time. "Say it, Zane. Olivia Benson, gave you the information."

"No."

"Stop lying to me," Jack pounded, his fist slamming the desk in front of him. "This isn't about your affair or the declaration of independence; this is about a cop playing against the rules. If you want to be a hero, think of how many lives you can save by locking up an out of control cop."

"She's not like that. It wasn't her."

"Then who was it?"

"I stole the-"

"NO YOU DIDN'T! NOW TELL ME WHO GAVE YOU THE GOD DAMNED FILE!"

Jackson was on the verge of tears and rage. He felt cornered, so he said the first thing that came to his head. "Elliot Stabler. Elliot Stabler gave me the files."

Turner backed off and circled Zane like a coyote hunting prey. "You're lying."

"No, sir. Elliot Stabler came to me with Michael Delbit's story and he wanted me to print it in my paper."

"So Detective Stabler, lied to the courtroom yesterday?"

"…Yes."

Jack Turner wasn't convinced, but for the first time he saw a release in Zane's body language and prodded for more. "Why cover for Detective Stabler all these years?"

"He did a noble thing and I don't believe that he should be punished for it."

"Are you always this chivalrous with men who are living your life, Jackson?"

"I don't know what you mean by that?"

"Did you know that the mother of your child was seeing Detective Stabler? In an intimate way."

Jack flipped open a file and handed over a few photos of Elliot and Olivia holding hands at the park. Anna was on Elliot's shoulders and Olivia held a cane in her free hand. She was obviously still recovering from her accident but her smile was as bright as ever. She was looking up at Anna, who pointed towards the carousel next to them. Jackson felt a small hint on envy, but brushed it off for Olivia's sake. The last thing he wanted to do was take that smile away from her.

"She then signed your daughter over into Elliot's custody," Jack continued.

"She'd never do that."

"Yes, she did. She DID, Zane! So why are still covering for her?"

Jack bent down and talked into Zane's ear while flipping through the photos. "All of these years you've spent locked up for her and she didn't even have the decency to tell you about Anna…your daughter. Look at her sweet face. She looks just like you. She doesn't even know you exist and now this other guy is going to take your place while you rout in jail. And for what? Freedom of speech! That's pretty lame, Jackson."

"It may be lame to you, but it's worth the fight. And that's not true, anyway. She did tell me about Anna."

"What that Anna was her niece? That's a real honest thing she did for you."

"It's not like that. You don't understand where she's coming from. She hid the truth to protect Anna and me."

"Zane if she wanted to protect you she would have turned herself in."

"I told her not to."

"So you admit that she gave you the information."

"I didn't say that."

Jack stood up and gave the signal to his boss. "So what are you saying."?

"I…I… she didn't-" Zane brushed his hair back and held the side of his head in hopeless frustration.

"Jackson, do yourself a favor and tell me the truth. Tell me Olivia Benson leaked that information and we can call it a day."

SCENE

"I never realized how freeing motherhood would be," Olivia whispered as she stood in Anna's doorway and watched her sleep.

"What do you mean by that," Elliot asked as he stared at her from the other side of the doorway.

"I feel like a new person. Even when Alex was helping me through all of this, I learned so much about myself watching her and feeling her grow. I never thought this was possible for me. I never thought I'd be able to let go of my past..."

A tear rolled down Olivia's face and she held onto the doorway while looking at Elliot apologetically.

"I'm sorry, Liv."

"No. Don't apologize. You didn't do anything. I'm not looking for an apology. I just need you to know how much you mean to me. I never got a chance to say it, because I was too scared and proud and ashamed. I couldn't bear to be rejected by the only person who gave me a sense of balance. You gave me a family and a shoulder to lean on and I never thanked you for that or expressed to you how much that meant to me."

"Liv, you didn't have to say anything. I knew."

"Yes, but I didn't. Having Anna made me open my eyes to so many things that I was holding onto. Bad childhood memories, anger towards my mother, my need to feel loved, because I didn't love myself. God, Elliot, once the doors were open I couldn't close them. I couldn't stand next to you without knowing if you could love me the same way that I loved you."

Elliot wiped the tear from Olivia's face and kissed her hand. "Your pain was my fault."

"Elliot, I've made terrible mistakes. Awful irrational mistakes."

"So have I."

"No, you were married. You were doing what was right. Keeping a promise you made to a woman that you loved…"

"I never loved her like I loved you."

Olivia pushed him away and closed Anna's door. "Don't say things like that. She bore your children."

"But it's the truth."

Elliot leaned in and held Olivia's lips to his. "I love you."

Barely able to speak she returned his love through sobs. "I love you, too."

Elliot held her close to his body and caressed her hair with his fingers. He was content to remain by her side forever, yet still Jackson Zane and the Fed's clung to the front of his thoughts.

Olivia stayed nestled in his arms and almost cautiously Elliot muttered the question. "Liv, that tape recorder you hid in Michael Delbit's interrogation…"

"Yeah."

"What happened to it?"

She pulled away from him and looked into his eyes. "I destroyed it."

"How? Where?"

"In an alley, three blocks from my old apartment. Why?"

"And the case files? You never took those home with you right?"

"Right….Elliot, why are you asking me this?"

"Just making sure you had everything covered."

"Covered for what?"

Elliot sat her down on the couch in their living room and turned away from her. "Liv, I haven't told you but the Fed's are watching us. I've seen them. They're everywhere. I check the house for bugs on a daily basis. Things are quiet for now…almost too quiet. I'm expecting that knock any day now. In fact, I'm still shocked that you not only made it out of the hospital without cuffs on but that you made it to my apartment and painted the guest bedroom pink. Liv, you gotta tell me you can get out of this if they come knocking. They're going to take you away from us and I need you to come back. I need you. I refuse to live one more second of my life without you. Do you understand that?"

"Yes, Elliot, I would never leave on-"

"You have to be honest with me and tell me that Jackson Zane isn't going to turn you in."

Olivia watched him slowly crumble to a panic and she sat in silence biting her thumbnail. "I…I don't know what Jackson will do, but there's no evidence, so it's his word against mine. Elliot?"

His red eyes blinked away the tears and he cracked his neck.

"Elliot…I will never leave you again. Do you hear me? Never."

Elliot's hard features grew soft and quiet. He took Olivia's hand and lightly traced every detail of her hand. "Close your eyes."

Olivia felt him kiss her knuckles and her finger tips and then he slid the ring onto her hand. When she opened her eyes he was on his knees and looking straight into her soul. "Be my wife, Olivia."

She fell speechless and smiled. Her only reaction was a simple nod and a few happy tears.

The hard times that they held melted with every kiss. The moment was like making up for eight years of lost time.

Olivia tingled with each touch from Elliot's hands, lips, nudges, grazes, and traces made to her body as he took her into an almost translucent form of lovemaking.

Just the simple delicate way he unbuttoned her top and the attention his eyes gave to every move that she made was enough to make her insides churn and ache to be closer then she'd ever been to her one true love and best friend.

He made his way to the inside of her thigh and she stopped him and touched him between the legs. She loved the way he gave her control. His eyes still honing in on hers with a gentle open warm gaze.

They didn't say one word. The silence was exhilarating. She climbed onto his lap and forced him inside of her. Slowly she pulled him in. Inch by inch. A moaning sigh fell from her mouth and he touched her lips with his finger and brought them to meet his own.

Her hips moved around his erection. Up and down. Slowly and then faster with a need Elliot couldn't help but get excited about. She grabbed at his body like she'd never come back if she let go. Faster and smoother they moved. Both of them held in their breath and forced the silence to remain in the air. Its' tension was climatic. Elliot watched Olivia's face turn a bright shade of red as she grew more forceful. Her body thrashing and pulsing above his. He held in his need to release himself inside of her and a grunt of erotic breath pushed its' way from the bows of his stomach. Olivia forced his chest back down onto the couch and held in his groans with her mouth. She started to let out soft moans from her own uncontrollable feelings and in one final thrust they released themselves and fell limp.

Olivia lay lifelessly on his chest and they took in great gaspes of air. Elliot lightly rubbed her smooth back and ticklish curves. He couldn't keep his hands from her and she smiled softly and seductively at his boyish grin.

"Does that answer your question?"

"Certainly does, Mrs. Stabler."

SCENE

"That episode was so bogus," Casey grumbled as she and Fin got off of the elevator at the Precinct.

"Yeah, the lawyer taking over the role of the detective was a bit far fetched, but I liked the way that female cop called her out on it. She was all up in her face. Meee-Ow," Fin chuckled.

Casey slapped him on the arm and shook her head. "You just want to see them make out."

"There'd be no harm in that."

"No harm in what," Munch asked sneaking up behind them.

"Seeing the two chicks from 'Criminal Impulse' make out," Fin answered.

"Oh yeah, they're hot."

"You two are sick. Go bust a rapist before I have to give you both blue balls."

"Still not gett'n any," Munch jabbed towards Fin.

"You know it."

The three of them rounded the corner to see Olivia being man handled by two Feds.

"Hey! What's going-," Fin headed towards Olivia and stopped when Cragen caught his eye and held his hand out for them to allow the Fed's to do their job.

"Olivia Benson, you are under arrest for leaking crucial evidence to the press. Anything you say or do-"

Casey froze from any thoughts of last nights network television to see her best friend being cuffed and pulled out of the office.

"Liv?"

Olivia walked by calmly, but held a darting panic on her face. "Casey, get me a lawyer. And call Elliot. He was dropping Anna off at school. Tell him I'll be back and…not to worry."

The four 1-6 precinct officials watched Olivia being taken into the elevators by the two FBI goons. There was a lull of silence as the group of them stood open-mouthed and wide-eyed.

"Well, that didn't last long," Munch said almost inaudibly.

"Considering this was her fifth day back, I thought they'd given up," Cragen replied bitterly.

"The Feds give up! No, they just wanted to make the blow worse by allowing us to think they'd given up," Munch added before hunching his shoulders, heading for the stairwell, and throwing his newspaper away. "No, use for that garbage. It's all lies anyway."

Fin nudged Casey's arm and searched for his cell phone. "Go call that lawyer. I'll handle the big E."

He then grabbed the newspaper from the wastebasket and gave Casey and Cragen a look of concern before turning towards his desk. "Don't worry, I'll talk to him too," he grumbled. "Two mule heads in one day. Cap, you owe me. Big time!"

"Thanks, Fin. I still can't give you that raise," Cragen said before grabbing his coat and heading for the door.

"Figures."

Casey was left in the hallway clicking through her phone for lawyers that she trusted enough with Olivia's life. The stress of this case made her hand shake and she dropped the phone. "Damn-it! Who should I call? Fin?"

When she looked up she realized she was alone. The hallway was errie and quiet. She wiped a tear from her eye and head towards her office.


End file.
